September 7, 2006
Ok, the last time I wrote about the accident I ended at when the silver Jaguar collided with my car. I was driving down the road going over what needed to be done before I went on vacation in my and then..nothing. It’s like someone had a video tape of my life and cut out the part in between me driving and my waking up.
I am told that the silver Jaguar hit me on my driver’s side. My car kept traveling until it came mercifully to a stop in ditch. The people that saw it only had minor injuries and a totaled car which my insurance paid for. Luckily someone had sense enough to call 911, but I know nothing of this.
I wake up and my vision is a little blurry. My eyes slowly focus on the shattered glass still in my windshield. I can’t see outside of the car but I can hear people talking on C.B. radios and I can see some sort of emergency lights flashing outside. I think oh no I just ruined the car I am in so much trouble. How in hell are we going to go on vacation now?! I then look to my passenger side some of the vegetables that the mechanic gave us are mashed. I am getting more pissed by the moment. Well, I thought I suppose I’d better get out of the car and face the music. As I attempt to move, I feel sharp pains in my back and hips. I realize I can’t get out because I am somehow held in by my seat belt and other car guts from the accident. I think to myself that I’d better try to stay put and not move on the chance I broke my back. I close my eyes and then it’s like I’m asleep but it’s black where I am and calm. I have no problem with being here because there’s no pain either.
The next time I wake up is when the paramedics are trying to get me out of the car. One person entered my car somehow from the passenger side they were searching frantically in my glove compartment and purse for identification and insurance information. The other entered from my driver’s side after they tore my door off with the Jaws of Life. But I don’t remember them tearing the door off, only people getting me ready for me to be removed from the car.
Something is slid underneath me. My back and hips scream at me for daring to move them. They glide me from the car. It hurts like hell but it feels like I’m floating or gliding too. I feel a strong wind around me and a lot of noise. I thought I was a storm coming up instead of the helicopter it was.
Someone, a man, asked me if I have any conditions that could complicate things. I assume he’s asking me so I answer dia (gasp)betes (gasp). I couldn’t say it in one breath. My breathing was very labored at best. Now technically, I have insulin resistance but I didn’t think then was really a good time to quibble about definitions. I feel something going over my face and around my head.
During all this activity, I think about my dad he lost one son to stillbirth, another who was a sheriff’s office deputy who was killed in the line of duty. There’s just me and my other brother left. I panic and think I cannot die and allow him to suffer the death of another child. I think of my husband who I love so much, I think again of how I cannot die and leave him to be a widow. Then I pass out into a velvety black dream world. No one seems to be there with me I am all alone.
I wake up again and realize the ambulance I assumed they put me into is a Life Flight. I feel every last vibration an bump of the helicopters flight in my hips. They hurt in a way that cannot be described. I feel it angling to go down, a nurse, paramedic or doctor is keeping me in the helicopter by placing their outer hips next to me. My hips and back are in agony, I fear I’ll fall out. All I want is my husband I wished he was with me. Again the black envelopes me.
I wake up again when they land. I am being rushed into the emergency room. The only good thing about an accident like this is there’s no waiting. You’re first in line. The first thing I see is what I assume is a doctor in scrubs and a wild looking surgical cap. He practically rushed at me and he looked nervous. You know you have a problem when the doctor looks worried. He asked me how many finger was he holding up. I answer correctly so they worry about brain damage to a lesser extent and go on to the rest of my injuries. As I’m in the emergency room I am in a real panic. I ask a million questions. Where’s my husband ( he’s on his way)? Will I ever walk again ( we’re not sure yet)? Will I ever have sex again ( we don’t know)? I know it’s ridiculous to worry about sex while I’m on a gurney but to my deffence I have to say I wasn’t thinking straight.
I pass out again. It’s dreamy and black. Dammit some one woke me up again. My contacts are being taken out and a urine catheter is being put in me. I am amazed that I feel no discomfort at that. Actually I feel like I’m standing for some reason. I’m notthough, I’m still lying down. I pass out again.
BAM! Someone’s stapling my head! OUCH! BAM! BAM! Whoever did it is explaining to me that he did this so they don’t have to cut my pretty hair. He sounded a little turned on when he said it but I could have been hallucinating at this point. I wonder if he thought I’d die and wanted me to look nice in my casket.
I pass out again. The next time I wake up there’s a chaplain talking to me saying they’re having trouble locating my husband and is there another number to call? I fumble remembering my mother in law’s phone number and pass out again. The next time I wake up they’re examining me in a large loud tunnel. I hear a voice over the intercom saying turn to the left, turn to the right. I tried to move and thought don’t these idiot people know I can’t move?! It turned out they were moving me but I didn’t know that at the time.
I pass out. It seems like forever since I’ve seen my husband. I wonder where the hell he is. I miss him I want to see him badly.
The next time I wake up I am jarred my the panicked sound of my husband’s voice. He’s telling me how sorry he is for the argument earlier. He’s in tears. I really don’t care about what we were bickering about before and tell him it’s ok and pass out again.
When I regain consciousness my brother is there he looks like hell and is as pale as a ghost. He looks like he’s been crying. All he says is Hi Kel. My sister in law is talking to me out of my line of vision because she doesn’t want me seeing her crying. My parents are there too. Everyone looks stricken. I cry for pain medicine but my mom explains to me that they can only give me so much, so that they know where my injuries are. Finally everyone leaves for the night and I lay in my hospital bed stunned, scared not knowing what will happen to me. Then I fall asleep again.
While I’m asleep I have a dream. I see my deceased father in law. He looks younger and healthier than when I knew him like some of the pictures I saw of him in his thirties. He’s on a pretty beach with a lovely warm breeze. He tells me I’m not going to die and I’ll walk again but I’ll have a lot of hard work to do. I think how hard can it be? I already know how to walk. I refuse to let it be difficult. I knew nothing.
I need to stop writing now and find some happy thoughts. Writing about this wears me out and makes me sad. I’d probably take a break tomorrow and the weekend because my birthday is tomorrow and I don’t want to ruin it.