Thanks Kathy. It all helps.

To answer you questions, firstly, when I say "too late" I meant, yes, to prevent hi PTSD from blowing out to the extreme case that it is. I don't think I know enough about it all yet (I am trying to learn ALL I can), but based on what I do know and based on how my husband was progressing with symptoms in the first few months, I think that if he got the right type of counselling sooner, he would not be hurting and suffering as much as he is now. That goes for me too, If I had been given the infomration I needed sooner, perhaps I would have known how to care for him properly. It pains me to think that I have probably contrinuted to putting him where he is now (NOT in a good place).

But I recognise what you are saying, in that as long as he has made it to begin counselliung, the only way to look now is forward, and be grateful that we came across that one person who recommended it. The only problem is he has ceased his treatments, even though he admits it is only for the time being. I just have to hope that he sees the benefit, and realises he is worth it to continue when he is ready.

It hurts to hear what is probably a harsh reality that 3 weeks is not long. It seems like 3 months from where I am. And with Christmes so close, I really just want him home. But I know I need to put his own needs before my own and be patient, so I am giving him as much time as he needs. Even though it is absolutley killing me.

To summarise our contact over the past little while, he left almost 3 weeks ago and I gave him a good 3 days with no contact. Then I called and visited a couple of times to see how he was, ask if he needed anything and ask him when he was coming home. If I knew then what I do now, i never would have done that. But he said he just wanted a few days time out, so after a few days, I got anxious.

Then following these few bits of contact he said a few harsh things to me to get me to back off. Like, "leave me alone you psycho." and "I just can't stand to be around you" and "Don't you get that I want to be away from you?" So then naturally these things hurt me a lot and in offence almost I retreated for another few days with no contact.

Then something happened that necessitated contact. I very calmy called him and said thet I was very sorry to call him and I know he wants his space but I need to check something. Then during the conversation he actually called me "Babe" 3 times which was really something. He also showed interest in what I was doing. But instead of being happy with this and then just leaving him again, I blew it. With that glimmer of hope I asked if I could drop in later to see him, just quickly. He said OK and when I got there something dramatic happened (a WHOLE OTHER story I can go into some other time) that set me off. I reacted in a volatile way that was not sinsitive to his reasons for leaving in the first place, then cried which also upset him more and left with him saying, "See, this is why I can't love with you." That was a week ago.

Since this incident one week ago I have not contacted him at all besides 3 days ago I left a letter for him to "metaphorocally" explain to him that I have not let go of lots of andger and I forgive him for what happened. I have been so frustrated for him not forgiving himself, then i realised I had not even forgiven him. I know now that just because I wish something didn't happen does not mean I cannot forgive. So I let him know gently in a letter. I left it in the mailbox so did not need to contact him to get it to him.

I decided if I could let the message of the letter sink in for him for a couple days, I could then gently continue to communicate my love and support. I messaged him on his phone to invite him for dinner, if he wanted. i also added he was welcome to just come grab some food to take with him, but no pressure. His reply was quite positive, saying "No thanks, but I have had a virus and been vomiting, but thanks anyway." I just replied that I was sorry he was sick and anytime.

Then later yesterday he came home to get some tools. He acted stand-offish with me at first but i was very gentle in my speaking. Not once did I question him, tell him off, judge him, criticise him or ask when he was coming home. He would have expected all of that from me. And I can't blame him.

When he noticed (I think) that I was speaking differently and with a different attitide, he sat down and rank the drink he had rejected 5 mins earlier. We then had a fairly good chat for about 15 mins. I explained that io have been gathering a lot of information that is helping me undertsnad PTSD so much better and that I am sorry for pushing him away. I made it clear that all I was trying to do was help him and fix things. he said he knew that. I said I now know I can't fix it, he has to.

I also told him how hard it has for me to be without him but that i am going to keep battling on and giving him what he needs as I love him and do not want to give up on him. I asked him if he noticed that i have given him lots of space. He did and said he appreciates it.

He then told me that he has been really happy and is getting heaps of work done and doesn't have the stress in his head all day from be being on his case. I told him again I was sorry for it. He said "I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen." I said that i see now and am learning the right way to be and hope that he will feel safe to come back soon and let me show him I can be the support he needs. he just told me he isn't realdy yet.

This morning, since he had said he missed our dog (who is a wreck herself, misses him terribly) and that he would come to get her today to be at work with him, I messaged him and aksed if he would like me to drop her off on my way towork. he replied yes.

Last night I had printed out your tips Kathy, on how to care for a loved one with PTSD during a tough time. So I decided that to show him what i am striving to be for him, i would show him. I folded the sheet and slipped in in an envelope with a note saying that this is the advice I am getting, I am beginning to really understand and this is what I want to try to be for him. When I dropped the dog off, I asked how he was feeling. He said, still bad. I simply said I was sorry to hear it. I told the dog to behave, then I handed him the envelope and said "Here is something for you to read of you like."

I am trying to give him all his choices, but at the same time just enough hints here and there so that he can see that I have changed my attitudes and maybe could be the right support for him. I also want him to be sure i am still here for him. Al the while I am giving him as much space as possible. I just feel that if I don't contact him at all for more than 3-4 days, he may not feel I am there for him?

Is there any way to subtly keep that feeling getting to him, and to show him how much batter I can be for him? He seems to respond as long as I keep it very low key. I may be getting the hang of it. Or am I going to blow it again?