My understand of God has changed so much over the last 12 years.

Thanks EAGLE for sharing bout your radical change and relationship with Jesus.
My life also changed in 89 and my experiences with Jesus turned my life around. I was part of a pentecostal fellowship, were alot of emphasis was put on the works on the hl spirit, and Jesus the healer doing miracles even today.

That was before PTSD.
I lived through the same traumatic events my wife lived through. She experienced it on a much deeper level and was now diagnosed with chronic and complex ptsd. But this traumatic event had an effect on me too.

Today I doubt God is a healer, at least not an instant healer. If he heals, then through people and through time and through community, like this PTSD forum.
I don't understand Gods character anymore. I can not put pain and the original sin (Adam/Eve in Eden) together, I don't trust churches anymore, I don't trust any prophesies, and I have a hard time with sermons, clear-cut sermons... where I am told that this and that is bad, and If you believe in Jesus everything is great. What a bunch of bs. Life is hard, bloody hard.

The only things that are left in me from 1989 and all through the trauma event and my spouse-PTSD result, is peace, there is a deep peace in me, that came with my life-change in 89 and never left me. And I have friends, not perfect friends though, but I have community with christian friends who are reflective analytical thinkers, and who don't buy in everything they hear on Sundays.

Well, looking forward reading some more stories here and reflections
thanks, harry