I had a good 3 hour sleep, really needed it I suppose. Got up to feed my dog, now propbably going to go back to bed.

I almost still can't believe it, but I am surprised at how much I am still thinking about him and hoping he is OK. I am so very worried about him being alone after this getting out. His mum said he is feeling dreadful - and frankly so he should. But not at the expense of him harming hiself. And I am afraid that is what I fear right now.

I also wonder, could I ever forgive him? Something tells me I could. That's sort of how I feel now... I love him so. But I am not a doormat. And if I did forgive him, would there ever be any trust and security again?

And then I think maybe I feel I could forgive him because the thought of moving on without him is too hard. I made a solemn decision to stand by him thru all of his PTSD and other crap (which is sure to be full on). I was going to wait for him and be here when I could have him. Why the hell after him doing this do I still feel like I could do that? Am I just a fool? A sucker for punishment?