Thank you Kathy and Bella I really appreciate the words.

Our anniversary was New Year's Day and he called and wished me a happy anniversary at midnight which was encouraging. Without going thru the particulars of every conversation we've had this week, he's basically not knowing what he wants to do. The only reason he really considered divorce was because in his mind all the problems that we've had seem overwhelming and unfixable. He wont talk to me about how he's feeling but he's talked to several friends. And I dont wanna push. I'm trying to put our issues to the side and just rebuild the relationship itself but its frustrating because I dont want him to take my kindness for weakness.

He's stayed at the house for the past two days and I know he's going out for the weekend and wants to take the baby. This morning he was expressing that he wasnt even really supposed to be at the house. He's told others before he's wanted a divorce but its always been like he was tryin to convince himself; whereas now he's not really leaning towards that but he's just wanting to live life one day at a time, which is fine...but then he wants to be intimate and he wants to play around with me and joke with me like everything is cool but he cant say he loves me like he used to...its frustrating. I dont wanna be used. I dont want him to build up my hopes and then dash them again.

I stressed to him the importance of counseling and he says he's getting it. He's also open to marital counseling at a later date. Meanwhile I've really been good at giving him his space and letting him make the major moves...but I look at him and my emotions sometimes take over. I have a journal that I write in and most of the time I can relieve my feelings in there but sometimes something will spill out. Its just really hard.

I know so many people have said that I need to concentrate on taking care of myself, but so much of my life has been wrapped up around my husband and baby. I already blame myself profusely for my son's death and, come to find out, my husband blames me too (heard this from 3rd party but he never denied it when I brought it up). My happiness has always been interdependent of their happiness. Everything I've done has been for them. And I have found that I have truly lost my sense of self, and that without them I'm really empty.

His heart seems to be pulling him back home but his head keeps trying to get him back to his former state. Like, one minute he's talkin about the future and the next he's unsure. Even last night when he was talkin about going back to his brother's it was more like he just wanted to get his clothes...but he stayed anyway. He told me before he'd be going to see his psychiatrist hopefully after the new year, so i hope that will be soon.

There are other things (i.e. he is convinced I cheated on him when I didnt) but I really dont know how (or if) to deal with them because he's not talkin to me about it and I dont wanna push. For now, I know he still wants us to work and he would never want to be with anyone but me, eventhough he's a prolific flirt and has many female friends he talks to on a daily basis. Right now I'm praying for confidence and strength for myself and my family and I'm trying to do what I can to keep my emotions in check. At the very least, he seems to want to change, but I'm not sure he knows how...I'm just hoping we can get thru this time and I'm learning to respect his wishes of "one day at a time" and trying to just live in the moment. I'm also keeping God on speed dial. Prayer definitely works.

Thanks again.