Thanks so much Kathy for that indepth and quick response.

Realistically I know my son's death was not my fault. But in my heart, as his mother, I will always feel responsible. Three weeks before he died I'd dreamt he had died. And my husband and I were so paranoid he had asked me not to take him to New York for Thanksgiving and I did...thats why he blames me. And I have always been upset at myself for not trusting my instincts. Thats part of the reason I developed PTSD as quickly and as severely as I have. I was always so anxious about my daughter. I wouldnt sleep. He died while in my mother's care and she's getting therapy for that...I've always felt like he should've been with me. But maybe it would've been harder for me...as if thats possible.

I know this is a time I should take to find myself, but I really dont know where to begin. I pretty much conformed my life to their needs so its hard to address mine because I cant even recognize mine. Where do you suggest I start? Or maybe I can find that in therapy?

Honestly, at this point, I cant say that I have a time period that I'd be willing to put on it this time. In fact, Ive really contemplated giving him as much time as he needs and, when he returns, expressing to him that I will not tolerate it happening AGAIN because next time will be permanent. I dont know if thats too forceful, but right now thats how I feel. I'd rather him stay out as long as he needs if it means him really working on this and finding himself...but I dont feel running away is the answer, even if it is a coping mechanism. I havent been able to run but he always has, and I dont think thats fair. I know he's sick...and I'm sorry If I sound insensitive, but at some point you have to deal with the problem. Running away constantly is not gonna make it go away.

As far as working on creating a deadline together, as of now he isnt even really up to a real conversation about the issues at hand...thats another reason I'm kind of willing to give him all that time. I dont know if he'll ever talk about it. He may come back and not wanna talk about it. And I've done research on marital problems and not talking about problems seems to be a big way to help deal with the relationship vs. just the problems. But at some point, he's gonna have to talk about it with someone, because I dont know if I can go thru this again, you know?

At least, so far, the signs I've gotten have been positive. I'm trying to continue to have faith that God is providing and that we'll get thru this; so please keep us in your prayers. And thank you for the encouragement; its a true blessing.