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Originally Posted by JAZ  Realistically I know my son's death was not my fault. But in my heart, as his mother, I will always feel responsible. Three weeks before he died I'd dreamt he had died. And my husband and I were so paranoid he had asked me not to take him to New York for Thanksgiving and I did...thats why he blames me. And I have always been upset at myself for not trusting my instincts. |
Yes. Unfortunately I do understand what you are saying. I believe I will always feel somewhat responsible for my son's death as well. However that does not change the fact that you and I are both incorrect in our thinking! Additionally, logically I don't see that taking your child to New York had any bearing on his death? He died of SIDS, correct? He could have died regardless of where he was. In any event it is a very tragic and unfortunate situation, and you are both so young as well! Most difficult to deal with, my heart goes out to you both.
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Originally Posted by JAZ Thats part of the reason I developed PTSD as quickly and as severely as I have. |
You have PTSD as well JAZ? I was not aware of that. I could have overlooked that in my reading, I apologize if that is the case.
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Originally Posted by JAZ I know this is a time I should take to find myself, but I really dont know where to begin. I pretty much conformed my life to their needs so its hard to address mine because I cant even recognize mine. Where do you suggest I start? Or maybe I can find that in therapy? |
You are in therapy currently, correct? Your therapist might have some good ideas for you, yes. Off hand I would say simply begin doing something you enjoy on a regular basis. Perhaps take a class, join a gym, go out with friends once a week. Something you enjoy doing that is just for you. It can be anything and does not need to be expensive nor take up a huge amount of time. Myself, I simply get up an hour earlier than everyone else in my house and have that hour daily to do whatever I wish. In my busy household, I treasure that hour, believe me.
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Originally Posted by JAZ Honestly, at this point, I cant say that I have a time period that I'd be willing to put on it this time. In fact, Ive really contemplated giving him as much time as he needs and, when he returns, expressing to him that I will not tolerate it happening AGAIN because next time will be permanent. I dont know if thats too forceful, but right now thats how I feel. |
If that is how you feel currently JAZ, then that is the right thing to do. The time period was merely a suggestion. If you are comfortable with what you are currently doing then you already have a plan of action in my opinion. Well done.
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Originally Posted by JAZ I know he's sick...and I'm sorry If I sound insensitive, but at some point you have to deal with the problem. Running away constantly is not gonna make it go away. |
No, that is not insensitive at all. That is
your boundary. As an adult, he has an obligation to work upon himself, to heal himself and so on. He will do so in his own time obviously however you are under no obligation to wait for him indefinitely. You may encourage him to seek help however if he does not help himself it is not your fault nor your problem. It is his choice entirely.
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Originally Posted by JAZ But at some point, he's gonna have to talk about it with someone, because I dont know if I can go thru this again, you know? |
Well, he eventually will have to talk about things. Talking over problems is very important for healing, as individuals and in any kind of relationship. He is obviously not ready at this point however I do hope that changes for you in future. I am glad matters seem positive so far and that you have your faith to comfort you. My faith is also important to me. Do please keep us informed how things are going.