Cherryblossom, at the end of the day, nobody can help you if your not ready to help yourself. I would presume, which I don't like to do, that your being here and asking says that maybe your now ready to face your fears. You have started a diary, that is a beginning. Now you need to look at what you fear and you will be surprised what you find. Yes, you must endure pain in order to face your fears, but once you do, once you get past those fears, no longer will you endure that pain again at that level or intensity.