i havent posted in a while. but im really finding myself feeling alone and with no one around me who can support me. so i hope to find some kind of support. my husband is FINALLY in an inpatient treatment program. its been almost 4 years since he got back from iraq, and for the past year and ahalf i have fought tooth and nail to get him the proper help. and have met resistance every place i turned. but anyways, the issues i am left with now is that i have ignored all my issues since my life has been 100% consumed by him and support him, and helping him. up until july of last year, physical violence was anything but a fear, it was on and off apart of our lives. he was arressted in july, which was the wake up call we needed that slapped us in our faces and told us ENOUGH. and my fight became one that no one wanted to stand in my way. i became a fired up BLEEP and wanted to know why my husband was not in treatment and why nothing was done to prevent us from causing harm when his counselors knew our prior violent history. which we were doing pretty good, going over 7 months with no physical violence. but someone with so much anger can only go for so long without help. flashbacks are uncontrollable and most of our fights were from a flashback of his. not all, but most. the rest were just because he would get out of control anger raging inside and his reaction would be to fight, because thats what years of training tought him to do. and i was the first thing in his way when he came home from a stressful angry day at work.

but anyways! thats a rough short story. my issue now is that I have issues. i havent even talked about some of the stuff with my counselor, because he cant say he understands. i want to know that there is hope for spouses who have taken and dealt with beatings and abuse. i want to so badly get over my issues with this, and sometimes i think i just deny that its not affected me, but it has. its hurt my soul. how do i begin to let it go? has anyone else gone thru this? and stayed? i love him and care about him more then anything, and i dont blame him 100%. ive fought way too hard to quit on him and ive been his #1 supporter and want to continue to be, but at what cost.

and then i talk to his family, and everyone is just concentrating on HIM. and what he went thru in iraq, and when i try to talk about ME, it doesnt matter. it doesnt matter that hes caused so much hurt and pain and they want him to get out of the treatment that i fought so hard for him to get into. my husband didnt fight hardly at all, i would ask him if it was what he wanted and he said yes, but i had to do all the work to get it done. and now theyre saying its not best for him. they live in alabama, we live in alaska. they only talk to him a couple times a month. but they think they know what hes needing?

and then theres his suicidal thoughts. i cant help but think its me that is not worth being around, enough to make him not want to live. suicide is the most selffish thing ever. and it doesnt take away problems, it creates 100 more.

i kind of feel like i did when my sister and i got into a bad car accident 8 years ago. no one, including our own parents, completely forgot i was in the car. and that i remembered every traumatic memory of it. and that because you cant see my pain and injuries, im emtionally scarred. thats how i feel with his family. they dont want to except that their son, and brother has caused so much pain on someone. that its easier just to focus on him and not us as a couple. i know i probly sound greedy or selffish, but PTSD just doesnt effect 1 person, especially when issues have gotten so violent and past just nightmares and flashbacks.

he needs all the support and help he can get, but so do i. and i dont know whos there to give me support when he and his family are too busy with him.