I do have a counselor, well i did have 2 at one point and 1 of them wasnt doing anything at all. just starring at me and made me feel really unconfortable. so i stopped seeing her. and i have my next apt tomorow. i was originally sent to this counselor because he is lisenced to give domestic violence training and stuff, but its been 4 months, and we havent talked once about domestic violence. he used to be my husbands counselor about a year ago, and i would go with my husband to see him, so i guess im just so used to talkig about my husband that i forgot how to talk about ME. he tries to get me to talk about whats goin on in my body, and life, but my body and life is helpig my husband and i know i need to change that and include myself. its just who i was raised to be, so its a struggle.

my counselor does not understand because hes never been in situations like mine. hes a vietnam vet, so i know he understands those parts of it, but as far as being in my shoes, he could never understand. hes one of the top PTSD counselors in alaska, so i know im in good hands. i just need to add other people into my support system that can help me with feeling not so alone. especialy when it comes to the abuse. i still havent met anyone who has been abused because of their husbands PTSD and flashbacks, and stayed married and worked on it. i refuse to go to civilian womens shelters for the fact they are "victims" and they dont have programs that are associated with PTSD. my husband was not in any way shape or form, violent before iraq. and thats where our circumstances take different roads. im not a victim, and i dont have any resentments or hold blame against him. (to a certain extent). ive been searching for military wives, or people and programs that can relate a lot more then a civilian can. and to me, that means a lot.

his parents and siblings know of the beatings. its hard to hide an arrest and court trials. and they say they are grateful that ive stayed and been so strong thru it all to help support their son and brother, but they dont understand the way PTSD controls lives. they think all he needs to do is talk to someone who can relate and thats it, its cured, its done. and ive tried to tell them, hes done that and its not a cure. just because he talks about it, doesnt mean it goes away and its off his chest. he hasnt told them much about his issues and what has happened over there. ive tried to let them know things, without details, so that they can try to help and know why he doesnt certain things.

i talked to him this morning, and he made me feel a little bit better, i wrote down questions to ask him to kind of put my mind at ease. he said that he knows he needs to stay there and try to get something out of it. and that his family doesnt know what theyre talking about when it comes to what he needs. sometimes they think a little too highly of his sisters husband, who was special forces and went to iraq.

i found a story/article last night that just made me cry for hours. if you ever have time (cuz its long) its almost identicle to the way ive felt during all of this. its not 100% like my story, but its pretty close. its about a vietnam vets wife: patiencepress.com/samples/2ndIssue.html

my husband apologized this morning and said hed try to be more supportive of me and my issues, but as much as i want and need his support, i just want him to concrentrate on his treatment and getting better. we have 4 months of treatment, and were only on day 5. so we both have time to learn new things and let go of some of our past.

i will also be flown down there for a 1-2 week family counseling session. hopefully 2 weeks so i can get more out of it. and we can be there together and soupport each other