It's a beautiful day and I wanted to update you, especially those who gave me support and much needed advice. I'm sorry if this turns out to be very long but I'm overwhelmed and excited and wanted to share :)

My h and I had a very long conversation last night. It started out with discussing a small disagreement and led to him asking me why I'm so unhappy. I was hoping this would be one of those "safe times" to talk, and took the opportunity. I told him everything I have been feeling from how he treats my son to how worried I am about his happiness, his future. Though I tried not to, there were tears on my part as it was a very emotional, honest talk. After a while he said "well, I guess we resolved why we are both unhappy." The way he said it almost sounded resentful and I feelt the need to tell him that while I can guess and form my own opinions as to why he's hurting, he is the only one who can honestly answer that question. He asked me what my opinion was, why I thought he was unhappy. I sat there for what seemed like ages trying to think of how to say things. He was asking for my honest opinion (for once), and I felt down to my bones that this was the one time he might listen so I didn't want to goof it up. After the long pause I asked if I could show him something rather than tell him and he said "sure." So I pulled up a webpage that listed some symptoms of PTSD. The list was long enough that I could scroll down to view the list and the description of what it was related to wasn't visable. He read it and I can't explain why but I knew it was hitting a chord. When he was done with the list he scrolled back up and saw it was related to PTSD. He closed the computer and sat for a long time. Then it really started.

He started out with "I need to tell you something and it's probably going to hurt you very badly but it needs to be said." I braced for the worst. What he said shocked me. He told me that he's been pushing me away. Trying to make me hate him, despise him, want to get away from him. He doesn't want me around. When I asked why he told me it was because he knows what's coming and doesn't want to put me and Blake through what his mom, his sisters and himself went through with his dad. All I could think was what kind of person would hurt themselves to save someone else and then have to face this hell alone? Amazing. That's all I can say. He told me it would probably get worse long before it gets better. I didn't say anything. I didn't think he wanted me to talk and I certainly didn't want to break this communication stride. He went on to tell me how bad things are getting for him (much worse than even I thought it was), that the nightmares are getting worse, why he doesn't talk, that he's been trying to bury everything so we aren't subjected to it. It's like a wall came down, even if it was only for that couple hours.

I did the only thing I could think of doing. I said I couldn't relate to what he's been through or the struggles he would face but that I would be there for him. That it was my choice to stay and I wanted to be around when he needed me, to support him, and that when he just needed space he'd get that too. I followed ruddy's advice and had set up an appointment with our marriage counselor, but only for myself. The appointment is today. I told him about it and let him know that he was welcome to come with me if he wanted to. He said "we'll see." This morning he asked what time the appointment was and I told him. I said it would be nice to have him there and he said he'd like to be, so hopefully he'll be able to get the time off. He's supposed to call & let me know.

Even if he doesn't make it today, I think we've made a little progress. Him being able to open up to me last night is a huge step for him and for us. He's NEVER talked to me like that before. Thanks to all of you who gave me advice!!! Your words were with me last night and I know they helped me talk less about what I thought, wanted, needed and helped me just sit quietly and give him the time he needed to say what he needed to say. So, thanks again.