I started a thread and asked a question comparing being shy and being fearfull. I got an answer from Anthony that has created some memories? My dad was a very cold father. I asked mom about this and she has validated my feelings. He called me stupid and told me I was a quitter. He was distant and extremely critical of me. I never did anything right. He made it known to me in no uncertain terms that he was disappointed that I was a girl. He wanted a boy and tryed in many ways to turn me into one(My sense)

I was forced to pull weeds on the side of our house where anyone could see, and I was in highschool then. I was devastated that someone from school might see me.

Dad had a cabin cruiser and I was forced to go out with him on weekends instead of spending time with my friends like other typical teenage girls. All he ever did on that dam boat was anchor out in the bay and float around drinking beer. Usually it was just the 2 of us, but some times other boats would tie up with us and then there was a group of drunk adults. I hated that boat.

Mom says that dad would belittle me infront of his friends and tell me again how stupid and dumb I was. She has also told me how sorry she felt for me and my embarrassment She says I would go down into the cabin and cry and then spend the rest of the day down there. I apparently was not a very happy child.

Mom has apologized to me for not stepping in and trying to get Dad to stop his treament of me. I wonder why she did not, but my sense is she was scared of him.

When I was 9 1/2 my sister was born. I had to get rid of my cat because it might hurt the baby AND I had to give up my room. The baby needed it! My father converted our porch into a bedroom for me, BUT it was dark, cold and while it was attached to the house it was sealed off with no windows. It was off the kitchen and truly felt as if it was not even part of the house.

As I sit here writing I can actually feel myself in my bed in that cold, dark and damp room curled up in a ball crying? ? ? ? ?

I know now that he did not love me. He loved my sister. He would play with her, They would laugh. He showed her affection. I remember watching him play with her and while I stood off to the side watching anfd feeling left out.

I was good enough to help with building an addition to the house, but not good enough to spend time with---unless it was to benefit him. I should have been a boy! I heard that. Your are so stupid, heard that too.

"I want a guitar" The answer was no, you will just quit it like everything else. I'm not going to waste the money on you.

I hate that this is getting so long, but shit is pouring into my brain and I need to express it. From the time my sister was born, I was the babysitter. I had no choice, even when I was in high school. I could not go out with my friends. I had to babysit. I had no childhood or teenage life. If I wasn't pulling weeds or building an addition, I was stuck at home caring for my sister. My only escape was "that dam boat" and that.

Right no I feel like I've walked up to a solid wall. I am blank, numb and just staring at a blank void. My mind shut down the minute I typed the last words--that dam boat! ! I am now taking very deep breathes and feel numb. AND VERY VERY SAD If anything is misspelled it is going to stay thst way. I can not read this right now.