Sunny, you don't have to hate or have ill feelings towards your abuser. I think maybe you answered your own questions above, but are second guessing yourself. In one aspect you think you should hate it, but your body is saying that you don't hate him. Trust your instincts, not outside influences. Your brain is typically giving you the right emotion at this time. Yes, this may change if you find something that changes it, but obviously as you have clearly outlined above, there are facts outside of his abuse to you which caused the abuse cycle to begin with, which your brain is showing empathy towards him for what abuse he had to endure. It is the abuse cycle, someone is abused themselves so they only know to abuse. It takes quite a lot to break that cycle, a strong person in fact. That says something all by itself if you didn't carry on that cycle.