Hiya Whitewolf
I thak you ever so much for your reply and it is now strating to make a little more sense to me, however I think that it is going to take an awful long time to make what the theory I believe into positive feelings and emotions. I know i'm not dirty in theory but i still feel like that inside. Still feel the shame and the guilt. I am currently at work - I cant believe i didnt chicken out after how awful i was feeling last night - so i will private message you when I get home.
I do believe in God but i am also scared of him. I have been told that God can only give love and will never punish him but i cant handle believing that. I really cant. All i want is for God to show me a sign that retribution will come for what he has done. This is one of my major issues. I so need to believe that God will punish him, and others like him because this is completely unforgiveable. I also need to have a sign that he is going to punsih him but i dont think i will ever receive that sign.

Anyway, I will contact you later today. And thank you ever so much for your wonderful post and for making me feel a little better.

Take care