What a F***in' roller coaster ride. I can laugh now, but not yesterday. Again, I found myself not wanting to go to work. No, it's not so much that I am having that anticipatory anxiety of having to do CPR. I have been much, much better about that. Last night, I went in a couple hours late. I had to stop crying before I went in. I don't know why I was crying. All I know is that I felt the same as I did after waking up from really bad dream in November. In my dream, I admitted that I too was sad and upset about the death of a child I did CPR on. When I awoke, I felt this harrowing sadness. That's how it felt last night. I knew in November when I asked my doc to sit with me as I sat with those overwhelming feelings, that it was going to get worse before it got better. Kind of like entering a crucible and put into the fire to come out of it stronger, more refined, etc. Since exploring those feelings with the doc is much too threatening, I am here. (laughing at my distrust of the doc) Yes, I am feeling worse because I am trying to look at my feelings about these patients.

I do believe recovery is possible. My life experience is evidence enough for me. I do believe I will not be the same as I was before- I am forever changed by these current experiences. I have to go get my car fixed so I don't have another panic attack driving. Thanks everyone for being here, it has helped me quite a bit. Have a good day.