I too am a 24 year veteran in emergency medicine as a paramedic. I remember looking in the eyes of some of the ones I lost and thinking "man, 15 minutes ago they were laughing and living an everyday life." I would always say a prayer for the codes, especially the kids & infants. I would dread going to work and at the same time I knew I needed to be there because I was good at my job and I gave a damn about my patients. It takes it's toll though. Think about it, we usually see people at their very worst. By the time they are cleaned up, propped up and smiling again, we are long out of the picture. So very,very few ever came back or wrote to say thanks. Caregiver burnout is rampant, & understandably so. We KNEW what it meant to see that agonal rhythm on the monitor and that someone living's life is fixing to rapidly fall apart because now someoneis dead. We can't help but think of the pain we are going to be seeing very soon. But then,..... we do our job because we are able to make a difference in some small way. Aside from being competent providers, we are very human and know the power of a smile or a caring hand. We go to work for the successes, not the failure's and pray they are always the higher stats in the end. You are most definitely allowed to be tired and frustrated & even depressed, but if it starts to become a burden, then make a move professionally. You must also survive the trauma's. I did not practice what I am now preaching & Ipay the toll for it. I remember all too well the
wrecks, fires, senseless murders, and total innocents. I visit them in my dreams routinely. How ironic it is that the survivors I know I helped by simply being in the right place at the right time do not visit me in my dreams..... I further hid from other traumas in my life by working additional shifts. After a while I got to where I could handle a strangers trauma with precision and complete compassion, but I could not even sit with my own thoughts for five minutes.
You don't need a kick, you need a hand. A trememdous pat on the back & a thousand thank you's for all the little things you think no one knows about. You know, covering a sleeping patient with a blanket, double checking on a scared family member & holding their hand,..... I know you've done it all. You probably wouldn't be here if you were not a compassionate person. Just remember to lend yourself some of that compassion. You deserve it and you NEED it. The saying,"First, do no harm" applies to you too. Take care of yourself. No kicks from me, just a pat on the shoulder from a street medic who should have taken her own advise. You have every right to be here. You have earned your stripes.
LOL, Tracie