nonabug, "You need a hand" and that I need and deserve compassion really struck home for me. I have so little experience receiving care and compassion, it's uncomfortable for me to accept. It's even more difficult to ask for. I guess I need to continue to remind myself that just because I can be alone with the pain doesn't mean that I have to. I have yet to learn that it is okay to have emotional needs. It's a foreign concept.

Everyone, as for a career change...NOT AN OPTION YET. I love emergency medicine. I enjoy the variety and I enjoy the challenge of the chaos. I am at my best when census and acuity is at its highest. I would be bored working in any other area of healthcare. I am an adrenaline junkie. These past few weeks, feeling a little defeated, I did consider my alternatives. Going back to school would be my first option. However, it's not a quick solution.

Let me tell you a little bit about myself which is why I believe recovery is possible. Although this is an entirely different beast than I have ever dealt with before, it's nothing compared to trying to get sober, overcoming hopeless depression, and lethal suicidal ideations and attempts. It's a part of my past that I am usually too ashamed to speak of. I was told I was going to need to take medication for the rest of my life for bipolar disorder. Well, miracles do happen. I haven't been medicated and I haven't had to experience that nightmare of an existence again. I am sure those in the profession would say I am only enjoying a remission from illness. That may be true. I beg to differ. I have worked so very hard to become who I am today in order to prevent that from happening again. I don't believe I would survive it if there was a next time.

Again, I am willing to work just as hard to recover from this. In December, I told my therapist that learning to cope with and manage the symptoms is not enough. Well, I think she listened. I can't say I like the idea of focusing on emotions but I am doing it. It is painful. Being emotionally unsophisticated to start with, it's even more difficult for me to do. If this doesn't help, I am even willing to be medicated again. Only then will I quit doing what I love to do.