nonabug5,
You are loved, I know I love you, and you are working really hard and facing what alot of others run from, i.e. drugs and alcohol.
You are doing all the right things medically that you need to, I hope being in the forum helps to see so many of us have hopes and fears and that we are all normal for having these feelings.
God has given us all the emotions, its our turn to fight hard to get to the fun ones, the positive ones, and mostly love.
I know that sounds far fetched and impossible, but from experience, it is not out of the question, I fell in love at 32, and it was the most wonderful feeling I ever felt.
God bless you and all who read this....