This just feels like a waiting game. I acknowledge that the depression is beyond a level where it's something I can work through on my own, that it has in effect taken reign over my life. That is so very difficult for me to admit and it scares the crap out of me.

In all honesty I would rather have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life than have to be at that severe of a depression. And I've been here for a very long time. The best it has ever been has been at a moderate level of depression, that's as good as it has ever been.

I don't know if this makes sense but I think I'm past negative thinking. I just don't. I don't have the energy to think negatively most of the time, I can barely get myself into a shower or on a good day, get to a class.

I, too have gone through the mentality of a fresh start - especially for school, only to fall flat on my face again. So I reevaluate what's going on, how therapy has been, where my PTSD is at, external unexpected situations (such as close family members deaths) and try to find out why it's not working. As such point I would start to beat myself for not being motivated enough.

Okay, at this point I'm writing paragraphs and deleting them. I think I'm out of anything poignant to say. Suffice to say I feel like hell.

Thanks for the words, it helps to know I'm not alone in dealing with this.

A. Lauren