Quote:
Originally Posted by mightsurvive  ..... i never had any flash backs or intrusive thoughts during love making.
But that is starting to change now and i dont know why. All i can think of is "i dont want this" But its not sex with my hubby that i dont want - its the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts during it. ........ I'm scared of losing him though if i let this take over my life - which it already is doing - but especially when making love.
I guess the only way to stop me from wanting to avoid sex with hubby and therefore the flash backs / intrusive thoughts is to deal with things but its never going to happen quick enough for it to prevent me from losing hubby. |
And, worrying about it as an issue may be worsening the problem.
So I'm wondering if a couple of steps might help matters:
One would be to improve communications, perhaps by keeping open diaries about each of your perspectives on this issue; and/or having a weekly review / open talk session scheduled, just about this issue [it's tiring to have something that's ongoing and irregular, scheduling a discussion for a definite time is more orderly and can be far less wearing on both of you].
Two might be to have some sort of clear 'warning system' or 'safety valve' that would give you advance notice of when he's seeing this as disturbing enough that it's really getting to him. It's the "not knowing" that tends to get to us, and we tend to worry too much, perhaps figuring that's safer than worrying too little.
Hmm, I don't know, maybe this sounds ridiculous, but perhaps a relationship scoring system by both of you, perhaps just jotted on a calendar, as to how either of you feel the relationship as a whole is doing from time to time, perhaps scored between 1 to 100, with say, '70' being a solid pass.
You're right in that if he doesn't manage regular enough sexual release with you, eventually (months? years?) that'll end up being a huge deal that could well contribute largely to his leaving. And yes, 'progress' in your recovery is likely to stir up sensitivities (hopefully transient), that will interfere with you two.
Perhaps there's an alternative activity the two of you could practice in the meantime that would suffice to ride over this rough patch, like heavy petting or activities just not quite so close to the earlier trauma.
For the male, sexual release is simpler, and just ejaculating in a fun fashion might soon enough suffice and be perceived as 80-90% as good as the real thing, (or not -- it would help if he understood the reasoning, and that it's an interim approach). It would be a major switch, but what helps here with us is that a novel approach has merit and can be exciting for it's own sake, which helps to transition such an approach. What the heck, you might even combine it with some 'novelties' (like a wig or a French maid outfit and perhaps 'toys'). Worth a try, imo.
Don