Well, after the last two miserable days of feeling depressed and lonely (I, myself am suffering with depression, but it is hugely controlled with Effexor...not to mention, I have NO real friends here), I decided that moving back 'home' to the southeast may be the answer - not necessarily moving in with him.

So, I called him today to tell him the good news - I'm thinking of moving back! He seems completely unaffected. Not to mention, he said nothing like, 'hey, why not move in with me?'. So I asked him what he thought about it. He said 'good, but you're just thinking about it...i think about alot of things...'. I was like, 'umm ok'. I tried not to be hurt, but could only feel my heart break. I was torn between saving face and ending the call, but my curiousity wouldn't let me. I kept thinking that if I stayed on the call a little longer, I might gain some insight into his response and might not be so hurt. He did say that he couldn't talk about anything really serious because he only got like 3 hrs of sleep last night. I tried to understand but couldn't - I mean, I understand how a lack of sleep could affect your mood - but that seems a little extreme.

I finally ended the call. Then my fingers got the best of me - I texted him. Feeling like a fool and just wishing to erase the whole thing, I said, "Just forget all that stuff I said about moving. Bad day, I guess". He replied, "Ur starting to change how I think about you". I asked what he meant. He said that I was acting crazy - saying one thing and then another. I told him I was just homesick and hated to think of ms. strong me being lonely up here, and that I hoped for a different response. He said he was happy, that he guessed I didn't hear it. I then told him I missed him. He then got pissed. Said I was doing it again - one minute sending him an 'f u' message, the next, saying that I missed him. I tried to explain, but he never responded. I called, but he never answered.

I feel like an idiot. I've been sooo incredibly emotional lately because I've just been feeling lonely. All of my friends are back down south, and I'm here. And I just want to be told something nice. And he doesn't even do that anymore. It all makes me wonder what I'm doing anywhere...

I can deal with just about anything. I have. But, it hurts to feel rejected by the one person I really want to feel love from the most. And, I can't just walk away. I can't. I've tried. So, in the meantime, I have to somehow ride out this lonely place where kindness and love should be.