I wrestle with two sides of this coin.

On one hand, I feel safest and most secure at night. The darkness hides me. No one can see me when it's dark. I can slip around town, go anywhere and do anything, and no one sees me because there is no light. Also, everyone else is asleep, so there aren't any eyes to physically look at me either!

See, in my head, people just looking at me is a negative judgment. I can't stand to have people look at me. I feel ashamed and not worthy of even being there, occupying the space that I do. So I don't want people to see me. The darkness of night gives me that protection.

On the other hand, I need the TV on in order to sleep. My TV has been on 24/7 for the last 2+ years, with the exception of 4 nights total. The TV distracts my brain. Otherwise my brain focuses fully on the things that need to be done, the things I am not getting done, the things that are bothering me and the things I cannot do... it spirals and hyper-focuses and the next thing I know, I feel completely batty and overwhelmed by the anxiety and negative judgments. So, having the TV on keeps my brain distracted from all of that junk. Then I pick and choose what I really want to focus on with the remaining brainpower. (Right now, typing this post, and also keeping an eye on the clock so I don't miss class @ 6.)

Interestingly, I don't need the TV on overnight when I sleep at my Mom's house. Her house is a "safe place" for me. When I go there, my worries, concerns and judgments just melt away. But my own home, is not a safe place, as all the negatives and problems pervade into every nook and cranny, like a fog. I can't escape it anywhere here. So the TV helps to distract my head from it. Unfortunately it's nowhere near 100% effective -- the negatives don't melt away like at Mom's -- but it does at least chew up a chunk of brain power to limit the amount of negative I'm juggling at any one time.

And that allows me to sleep.

Bailey