Thank you, everyone for your kind words. Sometimes it can help so much just to hear "it's going to be ok". I forget that it's normal to be really freaked out during therapy, it just overwhelms me. I am working on not beating myself up for what I can't do, but really lowering the bar and feeling good about what I am doing. Therapy is by far the hardest work I've ever done.
I'm feeling a lot better today, I hung out with a friend who's especially good at distracting me, so I got out of my head a bit.

Anthony, I think you took what I wrote the wrong way. I wasn't saying anything about a desire or intent to commit suicide, I wasn't really talking about suicide at all! Just the feeling that when everything is so overwhelming I sometimes don't know where I'm going to get the strength to keep doing this, and the image of a black hole of sadness, pain and confusion inside yourself that you're afraid you're going to spiral into.

Post openly and honestly. That's exactly what I was trying to do. I dont understand why what I wrote, describing my feelings, which I have very rarely been able to do, is considered "playing the sympathy card". Isn't that part of the reason this forum is here? It took a lot for me to write what I did and post it for the world to see. To be berated for it is an all too familiar consequence. I'm not trying to draw attention to myself with this post either. I just don't understand.

tara