Hi Shoshin.

Hm. I will say some thoughts that came to me as I read you're post. One was that it sounds terribly lonely?

What you wrote about your code actually impressed me. What sheer determination and self-reliance. Those are qualities in you. But those qualities are being misplaced right now... you are walling off from the world. Nobody can 'see' you.

I'm not sure why I ask this but, are you trying to be perfect? Jsut because you seem overly harsh on yourself. Are you denying yourself support and help? Denying yourself to live in the world, and only to live alone?

That may feel safer, and easier to control (or perhaps the only thing you can control). I get a sense that you either don't know what else to do, or are too afraid to; most likely the latter, I think. That's okay. It's okay to be scared.

But it's not okay to give up and stop trying to overcome your fears. That's not fair on yourself.

How about you set yourself a little challenge every day, something that changes this battery of walls you are building around yourself. Small, big, whatever... but how about you step outside of your code once a day and see what happens? Think of it as an experiment if you can, or if that helps?