Thank you for the responses.

Here is what I have heard, and how I have thought about it:

Ruddy: ...Somewhere along the line I figured out that I was really trying to hide from myself and my past...

Yes, I think I am trying to hide from my potential self, I guess because I am afraid of the unknown and what it might take to change. I don't know whether I can do it, or whether I deserve it, or something. But I do know solitude, self-reliance and self-protection...It seems like control, I suppose, even though intellectually I know it is costly. But I feel stuck, at war with myself...

Seeking Nirvana: ...There has to be "balance" in everyone's life style. When you shut things out an imbalance occurs and then you start to feel uneasy...

It's funny, I was raised Catholic, but I have been a Buddhist for twenty years now, and I felt like Buddhism was helping me precisely because it promotes a "middle way" between extremes, a way of being in the world without being controlled by it, but I am coming to recognize that my thought patterns are not balanced, and are instead characterized by all-or-nothing thinking, hypervigilance and unhealthy detachment. It is hard to let go of strategies that have protected me for 40 years...

TDurden1937: Shutting out the dark side, or the shadow really only leads to a rebound. . . such as drinkin' too much, having an affair, burst of anger at a co-worker . . . when we repress and deny a side of us ultimately, it owns us and watches for the chance to explode in a usually nasty way.. . . don't want ya to go to jail, or botch up your marraige or something like that, eh mate.

It's like you have been watching me...I have been drinking and smoking too much, I have been angry with friends, and my marriage is in trouble right now...the only thing that is solid is work, which I devote all my energy to, out of a sense of duty and honor...

Lisa: What sheer determination and self-reliance. Those are qualities in you… but are you trying to be perfect?...you seem overly harsh on yourself. Are you denying yourself support and help? Denying yourself to live in the world, and only to live alone? …That may feel safer, and easier to control (or perhaps the only thing you can control). I get a sense that you either don't know what else to do, or are too afraid to; most likely the latter, I think. That's okay. It's okay to be scared.

Lisa, I am determined and self-reliant. I spite of, or because of, the depression and PTSD that have affected me since childhood, I was always an A student, I have been successful and recognized for excellence in my profession...I recently lost thirty pounds through sheer determination...I am strong-willed, I guess, and that has been a double-edged sword. I am unreasonably hard on myself, and also feel that the world is so far from my control that I control what I can...myself...but not very well lately.

I have appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist this coming week, and the ideas you all have made me think about will be helpful in my conversations with them. I guess I am running from myself, and even more so from the seemingly tenuous and chaotic effects on my sense of security and control when I try really connecting with others.

Maybe I do need to adjust my code, but I am afraid...I refuse to be a victim again.