reply to TDurden1937,
Thanks for your words. Now I didn't get cooked physically, but I was trying to say that the memories of the childhood abuse plus the more recent neck slitting and stabbing got connected in my mind and "cooked together to make a toxic stew" meaning it's all ****ed up in my head and I can't really get to thoughts because the feeling overwhelm me before I can put a few thoughts together. The neck slicing happened when a gardner from the home I had stole something small and never came back to work. Then 10 years later he shows up at my door and says he was looking for work. I had forgotten that he was the one who had stolen from me because it had been so long. When I went to type his telephone number into my computer he is behind me and I felt a cold metal on my neck slightly but actually what got my attention was that there was a flood of warm stuff running down my chest. My mind just said, "This is not what I think it is", but it was. I fought and almost got the knife away from him but my massive blood loss kept making me go weak, so I stopped fighting and just lurched to where there was an alarm emergency button. It went off, broadcasting real loud the recording that it was telephoning to the police. He ran out the door and I thought I was going to die of blood loss before the police arrived so I went outside. My neighbors were just pulling up in their driveway and saw me covered in red and asked why I was so messy with the painting that they thought I must be doing. Into their car to the nearest hospital, helicoptered to another hospital, lots of operations and recovery but no mental problems and then about a few weeks later I started blacking out and losing big portions of my days. I would miss a business apointment and wondered where 3 hours went to. Then to psychologist and when we started to talk I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't think, just feel confused and sad. Real sad. Then very powerful flashbacks that seemed very real. Then psyc meds, moved out of that house, moved out of the country, but whereever I went, it followed me. All communication with people seemed to have connections with the traumas that I feel but can't really undestand logically. That's it. I can see from what you've told me about yourself that you, too, are reved up by the memories. What I do when I can't sleep is I get up and read or whatever, but I don't try to sleep. Then a few hours later, especially after I eat, I find that I go to sleep. So I get 8 hours of sleep but it's in chuncks. I'm on permanent Soc. Sec. disability, so I don't work. Also I can go thru periods where I sleep 24 hrs a day and just get up to eat, that has gone on for months at a time.