Update. You could write a novel with the amount of words I've texted him in the past 48 hours. My texts were imploring him to understand that I can help him carry this load that is wearing him thin, that he can't do this alone anymore. That I can help him get through this until such a time that he can get help professionally. (He’s on the move, working hard saving to immigrate to Australia, which will commence in four months, so realistically counselling is only going to disrupt that and I think he’s going to need a lot of it. He seems open to it when we are finally re-united and he’s settled).

He replied to every text. But told me he was too messed up to physically speak, that he was self medicating, that he trapped himself inside for four days and that it was his mistake so therefore he cannot accept my help to fix it. I told him off after that (haha, how do you actually tell someone off in a text? I managed, he knows my dry wit only too well), in a backhanded way, I just basically told him, its not his fault, and if he doesn’t like help fixing his own mistakes then what hope is there for us? I’m certainly not perfect. Then I just went on to say how I was never going to give up on him and I will always be there for him, that he is lucky to have me, haha etc.
We have had all these serious texts, but I feel like it’s important to try and make him laugh, with my dodgy droll humour.


I told I received a bunch of texts last night and this morning thanking me for helping him and apologising for resisting my help. And then today, he says everything I have said is registering. And that he would really like to speak on the phone with me tonight, he called it a counselling session. He also said that since I came back into his life, he has been happier, stronger and more hopeful, things have been getting better. The day before all this happened, Valentines day, he told me that for the first time for as long as he could remember he woke up without any nightmares. This is going to sound weird but we both think we have a bit of a psychic connection to each other. Many reasons for this that I won’t go into now.

What do I do know?
What do I ask him?
How can I help?

I want to know how to help him from letting these anxiety fits completely take over. He needs to reach his goal, which is getting to Australia. So he needs to stay focussed and while he needs counselling, like I said, he also needs to be in a safe permanent place for that. Do you agree? Opinions gratefully accepted.
So how do I help him through the next 6 to 9 months before he gets settled in Australia?
So can we somehow get through this with less pain than he is sporadically inflicting on himself now?

I have told him he has a whole bunch of emotional toxins that need to be purged. He knows exactly what Pstd is, but for some reason, I think discussing it that way will make him feel more normal, curable, more hope. I think the term PSTD causes more anxiety for him.
So I told him he has these toxins that need to be purged. That his mind is fit and strong (and yes it really is) but it’s been programmed to fight the wrong battle. It’s been programmed to fight himself. – No wonder he’s exhausted.
I told him that he needs reprogramming, reconditioning, but the first step is trying to somehow, someway, give himself some positive mantras. To somehow start to believe in himself, and the strength of his nature. This man/boy has been through hell and back, yet he is peaceful and loving – until he gets in a trance. But even then, he internalises the anger, he is careful to never takes it out on anyone like me. Though I know he thinks some pretty bad stuff. I would have though everyone does with this illness? When they are in these rages?

He told me that thinking about me helps. But then he said it’s frustrating to have me say he’s always in my mind. I told him he only feels that way because it feels good, having me love him, but he doesn’t feel like he deserves that.

I think a lot of the initial problem is his feeling like he has to do this alone. It’s like, he has PTSD, but a whole bunch of other stuff on top, more depression, anxiety and severe loneliness. A loneliness he is used to, and this self hate thing. We all have low self esteem at times, and he is telling me this is all self hate, so at least he is recognising it all.
Because that is the way it’s always been for him. He’s only 24, yet such an exhausted soul.
He says I give him hope and he is working on believing we can work through it and get there, eventually. He says he feels that seeing me again will make a lot of it better. If that gets him through, then great, but I’m hoping he doesn’t think I can fix anything, I can help, but I can’t fix.

I know that was long. Thank you for reading if you got this far. I just wanted to explain it all in case someone might be able to help, or it may help someone else. There seems to be some amazing spirits on this website. I feel blessed to have found it.