Samsara,

Your situation is so similar to my wife's that I really thought she had posted this. I am the one with PTSD, and she is in your spot exactly. I am only beginning my therapy, so I can identify very strongly with where your partner is.

I can tell you that I also feel flawed, broken, evil, whatever, that I trust no one right now, and feel incapable of unconditional love. I am obsessed with protecting myself, keeping the world at arm's length, remaining vigilant, all in an effort not to be a victim again. I am in fight or flight mode.

I know I am dealing with distorted thinking, but it is very hard right now for me to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy lines of reasoning, to distinguish between what I feel is true and what is factually true, and to realize when I am engaging in all-or-nothing thinking. And one of the hardest parts is knowing this is happening and feeling like I have no strategies or alternatives to being this way. The only thing familiar and comfortable to me is the long-standing pattern of withdrawal into my cave, into isolation.

What helps? What can the carer do? I guess you should read the carer threads for good advice, but being in the middle of it right now I can tell you that even when my wife thinks she is helping, her "I love you's" and "I just want to help's" are equal parts relief and pain for me. I am skeptical right now about our marriage lasting, and for the past two weeks I have lived outside my home. I am supposed to return home in a couple days, and I am mostly dreading it.

I guess all I can say is that if you really love this person and you think there is a chance of things changing, hang in there, try to help him get help, and be patient with the fact that he can't (just as I can't) seem to think the way he used to and won't be happy until he really faces stuff with a good therapist, and that will take longer than you want, no matter how long it is...

I have left open the door of possibility that this could happen for me, that maybe with therapy my life will change for the better, but honestly I am skeptical and think there is just as good a chance I will not be around in five years.

That's my two cents worth of insight. I hope it helps somehow...