Hey Samsara,

I have been sitting here staring at the screen (this thread), wanting so bad to reach out!

Anyway, whilst deliberating on whether my outpouring would seem like I am hijacking your moment I realised that perhaps it could have a two fold effect; help me and perhaps give you some insight into some of the things that perhaps your 'one' goes through? I say perhaps as how I feel is subjective - to me of course :-)

Anyhow here goes.......

The very thought of being open on here (mainly in this thread) has caused me so many negative thoughts:

I am being self indulgent by indirectly taliking about myself
Peolpe will think I am selfish
You seem so caring which makes me want to continue to answer your thread to help you but also as I know it would also help me - helping me out seems wrong-selfish!
Pathetic
Stupid, to think such negative things about myself but whilst also still beleiving they are true!
Ugly inside and out

And all of that was just concerned with replying here to you for a second time!

Healing is a dichotomy!

Self awareness is with me but I still repeat and feel the same as I always have, except now the little rationale I have tells me that to feel this way towards myself is incorrect and unkind - I guess I know how I should feel but I have not actualised it yet!

There is this need to love and be loved - to heal and actualise all the beauty that I just occasionally know is in me and others. However, the years of negative conditioning have taught me to PROTECT, PROTECT! With this constant need to protect myslef from anyone who could be seen as a threat I also have so much self loathing.....That was hard to write!

I guess what this highlights is the level that all of this delves - it permeates every action ,thought, desire, wish......It can be all consuming!

Having someone who is a soundboard is really important - someone who loves the person even better! However, there are so many risks for the person who is healing - letting someone in is scary, it makes you feel vulnerable, it scares the person sometiems so much so that their wall of security comes pouncing up in-front of them in order to push away the person who it is that represents that threat. Also talking about past exepriences and issues opens up the flood gates to reliving those memories (flashbacks) sometimes even new memories that were half registered memories, come flooding back and that is tough-it really is akin to being back on the battle ground where the traumas happened - reliving every feeling! Sometimes, when we remember these things we can aslo associate the 'remembering' to where we were at the time or who we were with etc etc and then avoiding those situations can become a pre-occupation. Whether someone is aware of all of this seems to be the key to unlocking the door to new possibilites! I have self awareness but I still struggle with everyday life!

The one thing that this self awareness does faciltiate is an understadning of the things that you can implement to try to make life more comfortable;

I see that you are aware of the issues with stimulants such as tea and coffee- cutting these out is one step! I stopped 4 years ago and NEVER consume it!

Sleep - I don't often get a sound nights sleep - there is a link I have visted on the site that gives some excellent advise on how to increase the opportunity of restful sleep

Diet - I think I should have shares in oily fish, the amount that I can eat :-). I am sure you are very aware of this and there is also plenty of info on what you can eat to maximise good health

Ecxercise - I go the gym 3-4 times a week even though the feeling of exercise makes me feel like I am having an anxiety attack - I now know the positives outweigh this.

Support.....

Knowledge - reading, some of it can be very painful but the two of three books I have purchased after they were recommended on here are; I can't get over it- A handbook for trauma surviviors - Aphrodite Matsakis - The PTSD workbook - Mary beth Willaims. There is also a link on here for books.
They help me accept and understand what has been going on for all of these years! I call reading these books a 'head nodding experience' as it is comforting to realise that how I have felt, beahaved is REAL - it may help your 'one' feel better about his feeling of being schizophrenic-I mean it may dissapate the feeling that he has! My mother is bi-polar and I used to be convinced that I was too which would agitate my anxiety attacks! That is and was the only time that my PTSD diagnoses was a comfort to me ;-)

Acceptance - He alone can only achieve this!

Looking forwards - we spend so much of our lives looking over our shoulder at the past and for danger! Future pacing and seeing yourself accomplish something positive and imagining how that will feel is a good excercise for feeling like there is one (a future)- perhaps his move to Oz could be a good visulalization?

I have had CBT and it is a fantastic therapy for dealing with all of the irrational thoughts and fears ( I read that you have personal experience of this which would be a plus for empathising with your 'one').

Intergrative psychotherapy - next phase of therapy for me> I am a 2nd year Psychology student so I have the advantage of understanding this therapy from a theoretical perspective - it has good results and makes total sense to me in terms of dealing with the here and now but also going back to the route cause of all of this and facing those b*stard demons.

Anyway, I really hope that some of this may help you both, I really do!

Your love is good medicine for him just remember that when the going gets tough!

Spirit x