Samsara,

You have blown by on the breeze and I stand and gaze in wonderment.

You are a beautiful person!

Thank you so much for your WISE words. It is amazing how the perception of others can rezonate with such force - what you outlined about my negative thinking was so symplisitc yet I would have not applied it to myself. However, if someone else had adressed that as their internal dialogue I would have jumped to their defense - Amazing!

There is so much of what you outlined that I want to respond too. However, take it from me I will be implementing all of the techniques you highlighted and I will endeavour to see how I get on with them - I guess the main problem I have with new strategies is being consitent, especially when I am having a bad day - it makes is so easy to slip back into old patterns of behaviour. In fact it is something that happens subconsciously which makes it all that harder. But I am determined so I will This is all about re-arranging the hardwiring - it's just a bit out of sync ha ha!

I am in the middle of a Buddhist mindfulness of breatihng for beginners class - sometimes it helps but most of the time it stresses me out - the whole concentrating on breathing stuff. I have asked a friend about the Yoga you suggessted - I hope I can find a class?

I will digress from here for a moment...........

Learning
I went to the cinema a couple of weeks ago and watched 'Cloverfield' OMG!!! Not the best film for someone with my disposition but I watched it from the start to the finsih even though every neuron in my body was yelling at me to get the hell out of there - that is when I had another one of my ephinay's - my anxiety is triggered by random stimulus which has made it so difficult to understand why and what the hell was actually triggering it!
The fear that I experienced whilst watching the film due to the loud noises, screaming etc, induced so much fear - which is the premis of most scary films - was the trigger - the FEAR OF FEAR itself - my body reacts as if there is an immediate danger that I need to fight or flight from so to sit through it and show my internal workings that I have survived, is something I feel is important! WOW! - I felt elated by that experience even though my legs had turned to jelly and my breathing was all over the place etc etc.


My One
I have temporarily let go of my 'one' - we are not together as a couple after battling through nearly 3 years together - and it really was a battle! That experience is what has taught me the most - a bitter sweet lesson as we have now lost each other! He tells me 'I am the love of his life' he still wants us to be in each others life and he wants to support me - I have found that dynamic very challenging. I do love him so much but all I can see is 'me' (It's an 'inside job' as sang by Pearl Jam). My wall is up at the moment so I sent him a mail explaining how I was feeling and that I knew it must hurt him that I cannot see his love for what it is - I am so afraid to trust it! I have explained that I need to re-treat for a while untill it feels safe - I know that this is not really inducive to healing but I feel like I can only do so much - my son, Uni and therapy are my immediate concerns. We are not together and it hurts that he feels he can't commit because of the issues my issues cause between us. I have to let go of that stuff for a while.

Honesty
Being honest on here is the first time in my life that I have faced myself - it has shone a light on so many aspects of what I have been suffering from all these years - stuff that I did not even know was going on! I am scared, but hey that is nothing new - bring it on!!!! - (just in small manageable bite sized chunks please ).

Regarding your BB - be gentle and honest with him - he won't expect you to remember everytihng I am sure! Purging is the main focus as you have already outlined.

Your BB is a fortunate man/boy :-) to have you in his life

I am sending out positive thoughts to the universe for you both.

Thank you Samsara

Spirit x