Shoshin you said .........
'Thanks for thinking I am brave...words like that are nice to hear when my inner voice is calling me lots of other unpleasant things..'

You should know I totally get you and feel the same way most of the time - I realised something a while ago that may make sense to you?

I have uknowingly been searching throughout my journey in this life for someone to 'save me' save me from the past, save me from myself save me from the feeling of being abandoned by life - I realised that it was I that had actually abandoned myself! At that point I decided that I needed to be kinder to myself and give myself the things that I was hopeing someone else would give me. I needed to metaphorically hold myself when I was crying over the past and how I feel about that and myself - I needed to tell myslef that I would one day get through this, I needed to SAVE MYSELF!

I guess on reflection I realised that this was one of the main reasons that any of the healthy relationships (one to be precise-my 'One') had crumbled - how the hell could they provide me with the very thing that I denied for myself?! A rather tall order considering - even Buddha recognises that kindness has to start from within and directly too the person wishing to bestow it on others :-)

That is why I am going to write the mantras that Samsara suggessted - I am going to use the notebook as an external representation of how I should feel inside!

Small steps........

I hope that my reflection helps you

Spirit x