Shoshin,

A percentage of your need to help others could be attributed to.....

Displacement - where ones feelings, wishes desire are transeffered on to a safe object - perhaps in your case the people you have been involved with in your realtionships? You have displaced your subconscious desires of being healed onto those who are safer, partners (safer than healing yourself or someone helping you heal).

Of course I am not a therapist I have just used the experiences that I have had throughout my life - this stuff makes sense to me - it's about our dysfunctional coping mechanisms - I myself have realised that they once served me a purpose (no matter how negative it was); to protect myself and allowed/or facilitated me to live an isolatory life etc etc. However, now that I am beginning to heal I realise that they no longer server a purpose - .i.e to be a 'happy', 'normal' (I use that word losely but you get what I mean :-)) functioning person with the possibilty of 'true love' for myslef and others - they are actually a hinderence caused or created by the damage! Our bodies and minds just got cross-wired in the confusion over how to protect ourselves.

I totally get what you said about limelight etc etc - its deep routed all this negative thinking but once you start to unravel why and how you will understand how to change it! As I have mentioned on here before I do have self-awareness but that does not mean I have actualised it yet - that is the next step - learning through therapy and my openenss to cut out this disease (self hatred loathing and all of the other dysfunctions) and be who we know we really are, in order to maximise and fulfil our own unique potential in this life!

Obviously, you are also a very caring empathetic person with wonderful qualities which is why you have the ability to be so nurturing.

I see reflections of myself in some of the stories on here - it has been theraputic to know I am not alone and that others have felt the same way too! I am better at helping than being helped just as you, but I am learning I need to do the latter first in order to truly help others without it being at the detriment of me or them - also beacuse we DO deserve to receive this help - Don't we ? ;-)

I wish you well on your journey Shoshin.

Spirit X