Thanks lovlies.
I’m doing fine. I’m feeling very strong, and your supportive discussion has only helped that. Thank you.

Had a bit of a scare with BB on the weekend, he went to a party and ended up taking some pure ecstasy powder and woke up with an ambulance at his feet and does not recall a thing. See, he’s only young so these things (drugs and partying) get in the way of his goals sometimes, as he has a natural yearning to escape, is bored and down in the miserable cold weather. But he is highly sensitive to dugs of any kind (which is a good thing as long as it deters him from taking them).
Of course the nightmares have increased tenfold and he feels like crap more than ever this week. Though he’s sworn them off, his own admission (I’m not really one to nag, what’s the point?).

In any case, he’s back on track, and sounds stronger than ever. We had a long conversation on the phone a couple of days ago. It made us both feel better. We were able to discuss just general stuff, which is great, the other stuff can get exhausting and frustrating when I hang up the phone). We talked about the future and where he sees himself professionally when his residency finally comes through and he moves here. There are still a lot of hurdles, but he’s really so amazing. He’ll realise just how much so, in time. We discussed how a lot of his problems are normal ( not pstd) and how they appear to be worse for him, as they swim around and around in his head. He’s finally understanding that venting or discussing them, using some sort of emotional refuge (me) will make him feel better and help him and myself to make sense of them.

He is estranged to his mum and brother, and he’s never had that family bond before like I have been fortunate enough to have – I have had amazing family and feel like I have been given so much love, that it is my duty to share it with others. Remember I said how the penny dropped about our break up, when he explained the issues with his mum? I also told him about how the more he tells me about where he is at, the more I can understand what went wrong and how things can be made easier for us in the future.

Now he’s on about working two new jobs to get all the money together in time. He said he’s doing it with a mate, working his trade by night and construction by day. He needs all the money he can get and while I am glad he is focussed, I’m a bit concerned he will burn out. Its only for 6 weeks though, and he seems to be so much better when we just keep shooting texts to each other about how we will be together soon, in Asia, soaking up the sun. So I’m just focussing on that – keeping him focussed.

Spiritofnow, I’m so delighted you are starting a notebook. You’re a good writer, write yourself a journal too? It will be great for you to read it in months to come to track your progress, thoughts. I know it helped me immensely when I was down and depressed a few years back. It's helped BB a lot before too. A journal is not just for how you are feeling, but also for dreams and fantasies, they’re positive.

Another thing, having a separation from your loved one will do you both good. Don’t be concerned that he will find another. That should not be a concern, you should just leave that one to gods will/nature. You have been through a lot together to realise that this time apart, for reflection and healing will only do you both the world of good. Give him some time to really understand what pstd is and how he plays a part in your healing.

Be patient and maybe use me as your example. BB and I have not seen each other for three years and had absolutely no contact for two. That time allowed us to focus on ourselves, heal, forced him to grow up a lot. He's come a very, very long way too -- I'm so proud of him. And your loved one will be too, of you. Focus on yourself, but don't be selfish. You can't have your cake and eat it too darlin'. The best thing you can do for both of you is focus on your healing. Even if he does bed another, he won't stop thinking about you, he won't stop loving you. You're theone -- trust me, I know about this, did I mention 3 years of experience? ;)

The time apart for us has been an integral part of why I want to be with him so much now. I can see and feel and hear how much better he is. I am sure of my feelings, I know there is still a long road yet to go and in all honesty, if another separation during his treatment is necessary, then I'll do it. The time apart has allowed me to grip a better understanding on ptsd. Intimate Relationships make us look at ourselves, and if we don't like what we see, it can have extremely detrimental affects on the relationship. That goes for everyone. So concentrate on your healing, not your libido. Get to that yoga class lady!

Even as I write this, I am glad it is still 10 weeks before we see each other. I want to be ready, because once we are 100% back together in Australia, that’s it, there is no turning back for me, so I want to be ready. That’s why I’m here. To help others with my story and be helped if possible as well. Thank you for your reaching out, both of you.

Don’t be offended if I don’t come on line for a few days at a time. I got behind at work last week writing on this, as well as dealing/worrying about BB. So this week is catch up time on my life, working on myself. I’m not very good with halves, I can only offer you full glasses and when it gets a little bit empty, I just gotta wait for a refill before I have anything decent to offer.

You both sound like you are doing well. Every second, every minute, every day you are getting better --- MANTRA IT!

Love Samsara