Here is a letter I wrote to the woman I am totally in love with, she moved on because of my military career but later told me she would have done anything and waited however long. This is my story....

It was amazing to get to talk to you on the phone for so long today. I have to admit, when we first started talking it wasnt the *** I was used to. I want you to know something, I do love you and your babies. I dream the dream that one day we will be able to move to the western coast of Australia. I can't imagine what it would be like to wake up every morning watching the sun slowly move across your body. I imagine what it would be like to watch all the kids playing in the surf.

It's not a reality tho. Even if it is a false one I think about it more than you know. In all reality you are totally stuck. It kills me that your not with someone who is your soul mate. It kills me that I know what my fate is. There is no escaping it. Im one of 4 of the originial 12 of my assigned team. All the others have been KIA. Ive accepted this. The other night when *** was laying on me and playing with my hands she asked me why my hands, arms, chest, and neck were all "messed up". How do you answer that? ** is ***, he is so smart. He already knows what he wants to be when he grows up. This is hard.

I know we had always agreed on religion, this may come as a suprise to you, parts of me believes in some form of afterlife. I've been in some of the most horrendous firefights on this earth. Something, someone told me to look or move to another location and when I would do that a RPG would hit where I was at seconds before. I want to believe my guys are in heaven and all of them haven't died in vain. I want to believe in God more than you know. I pray now. I pray everyday for you, for you to find your way, for you to find yourself. I pray for my family, and my guys.

Here is the catch 22. What if what we are doing is wrong and the insurgents are fighting the actual battle of God. What if we are the enemy the bible speaks of? Are we all condemned to Hell no matter what we stand for or believe in.

I heard a Linkin Park song today on the radio, it hit home for me. See what you think,

What I've Done, Linkin Park

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

[Pre-Chorus:]
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

[Chorus:]
I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

Put to rest

What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!

[Chorus]

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done


I wish I could do this. I wish I could erase who and what I have become. I wish I could go back in time and know that you were serious about moving out of Florida. I would have moved you and the girls in a heart beat. At the time all of this went down I couldn't handle how everything was going down. I wanted to die, I didn't care how. I know Ive told you all this before. I came to Iraq to end the anguish. To end the nightmares. It just won't happen.

As hard as this is for me to say, you deserve someone so much better than me. I know I will never beat my Thanatos or PTSD. There will always be someone our government wants killed and I'll be the first to volunteer to go. I wake up in the middle of the night in the middle of a flashback, I'll wake up holding my rifle moving through where I am staying. How can that be a safe place to raise a child. They would know I love them, I think they know that know. Your mother knows how I feel about you and the girls which is why she asks about me. She knows we should be together. I know we should, you do too. The sad thing is, I just know it will never happen.

Our song, you know the song. Im beyond saving. I wish you could find true happiness, you deserve so much more than what you have now. You deserve to feel true love, not just being with someone who needs you more than loves you. Anyway, it's late. Im going to drive back home in a few hours and Im going to call you. I hope we talk again after this, if not in this lifetime then another. I wish I could have been there for you, I love you.........