Thank you all. Please keep the prayers and healing thoughts coming. My Dad has taken a turn for the worse. They had to put him on a ventilator later yesterday. I guess he's basically on life support as they try out more antibiotics to try to kick the infection while getting his heart rate down and blood pressure up. They just don't know. It could go either way at this point.

I'm leaving tomorrow on the long journey to see him and spend a few days with that side of my family.

I had a horrible hysterical episode earlier today when we started making the actual arrangements. Part of it was the fact that I'm going alone. I was terrified of wigging out along the way, dissociating, anxiety attacks - who knows? But right now we can't afford for both of us to go and we have two animals that need medication 2-3 times a day, can't afford to board them and don't want to put them through that. I was sobbing, moaning "no no no no," shaking, rocking...I don't how long that lasted. I exhausted myself, but could still get no rest. I can't bear the thought of losing my Dad again, but have come to some peace with the idea that if he's not going to get better, I will let him go.

Later this evening I got some confidence from my med nurse telling me I could double the anti-anxiety med as I need to, so I'm all packed, everyone on the other end knows when to pick me up, etc. I'll be fine when I get there...it's just the getting there. I am in better shape tonight than I have been all day, I think. I'm also waiting on a pep talk call from my psych either tonight or tomorrow before I leave.

So please please please keep the prayers and positive thoughts coming...for my Dad, his family, safe trip for me. Thank you again.