Lisa, thank you for what you've written...and thank you to everyone who is willing to speak out about self-harm.

These posts are so courageous and honest.

I've come to realize that every seemingly "crazy" act ultimately makes sense. My own rage became self-directed when I was about 12 years old -- and went on for about 25 years. Miraculously, when I started to take Paxil in 1996, the violent self-attacks abated almost completely. My doctor has been so understanding...we have discussed brain injury and damage done to the brain centers that modulate impulse and emotion...I had tried just about every therapy and trick in the book to stop attacking myself; many agonies were quieted and understood over the years -- but not the sudden frenzies to beat and slice at myself. The medication, after 15 years of therapies, was (and continues to be) a gift. I work and work with my mind and thoughts...to lay off persistent and more subtle habits of self-harm like smoking, undereating, and isolation...

I have been able to share what I've seen as my most revolting secret -- the self-attacks -- with a couple of wonderful therapists, a few intimate friends, and my husband. There is nothing more healing than to be heard and still accepted with such an admission. I probably have to remain on the meds for the rest of my life...and that is fine with me. I was once quite skeptical about pharmaceuticals until I worked with some people who lived with schizophrenia and other disorders. I witnessed some miracles...and it was afterwards that I could consider such help myself.

A trade-off, I guess, is that I don't emote/feel much of anything now. I don't feel doped -- just blunted. I regret this...but I cannot return to the violent emotions that used to blast out of me...including the horrible shame that flooded me like a stain of black tar.

But it all makes sense in the long term; that's what I've learned...that's what allows me to be at peace with what I used to do to myself. It's been a long journey to understanding.

It all makes sense, given what we have endured.