Well, yes, this is the wife in question, and my "husband" is even using my username I signed up with! I came here for support today, but I see, to my surprise, I have been sabotaged. [yes, I know, typical ptsd feeling/comment] I thought this was a safe haven for me... but trust is hard to come by for me. I am certainly not here to fight with my husband David right here before all of you, and I will tell him if he wants to use this forum he needs to at least get his own username and not use mine, even if I never come here again.

I only want to set the record straight on a few counts. Most of them can be found in my intro. First of all, I am not on 5 medications, I am on 4. I do not take the trazadone at all, as it was prescribed for sleep and doesn't work well and makes me feel crappy, so I abandoned it long ago. I take Wellbutrin which motivates me and brightens my outlook, Zoloft which controls my emotions and keeps me from crying all day, valium for anxiety [switched from xanax] and was just added Risperdal to regulate mood about 2 months ago. All my meds have worked well, especially Risperdal, but as you all know, it takes more than only meds, it takes understanding and a strong support system to really get better, which I have been very far from having. Also, we have no insurance, so it has been very difficult to keep all medications going at once - I am usually missing one or the other. Risperdal even generic is 16.00 a pill. This has also made it impossible to receive any therapy for myself at all, which I desparately need, to work through the traumas - they are multiple, very multiple. I have relied on my own will to make it, 2 books, and you guys. That's it. I haven't gotten one ounce of support except from my parents and a few internet friends. I have 3 diagnosis, which are PTSD, panic disorder, and MAJOR DEPRESSIVE disorder, not 'mild'. This has been confirmed by no less than 3 drs., and I had to show "David" where they were written down in black ink until he would even believe me! He accused me of making it all up. Yeah, I don't WANT a drivers license, I WANT to cry all day, uh huh.

2ndly, a single therapy session did not bring my symptoms out as said, they were there, but typical PTSD, I was trying to stuff them inside and deny them, thinking I was strong and could just 'go on'. The situation with the children has been terrible for them and everyone involved, teachers, etc. If any of you were to look up REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER, you will see it among the most difficult of disorders in children to treat there is. If not improved by puberty/adulthood, the diagnososis is then termed Anti-Social Personality Disorder [a sociopath] or even Psychopathic Disorder. It is nothing to fool with, believe me, they have been violent the entire time [6 yrs] I have been with them, and has morphed into stealing, food dosiorders, and vandalism. The youngest [they are almost 13 - boy, and 9 - girl] goes into screaming rages that sometimes last 2 hours, scream obscenities at me, etc. NOT a good environment for a person w/PTSD, and I suppose I never should have taken it on, but by the time I figured out what was wrong, I was in, and have done nothing but try to help them, at the cost of my own health. David never even noticed anything wrong, even tho the boy stabbed a girl in the arm w/ a pencil in 2nd grade, called the Pricipal a bitch in 1ST grade, choked a girl on the playground, kicked his teacher, you could not touch or hug him, and on and on. I DO love them, and they have their great moments, but you can imagine how stressful such a siuation would be, 7 days a week, form school being out then being with them or alone until 11 or so at night, and in the summer ALL day. I do relate to them a good deal, because I have found PTSD and RAD to not be so different on many levels. Their trauma of losing their mom caused neurological damage and locked their hearts away, unable to give or receive love. They have actually made many improvements since I devoted my life to them getting better. [Now I see maybe I was trying to divert from my own problems]

Until the 2 jobs, we were doing ok. I KNOW that I have been instumental in what improvements they have made, their teachers, our friends and relatives all praise me to the skies for having the courage to deal with them and explain to them how to help, everyone except their father. He seems to not have a clue the sacrifices I have made for them. And get this - they should have been counseled since day one their mother left, but he has NEVER gotten them help, all these years, and that is why things got to this point.

I picked up the phone finally and got them an attachment therapist and made them an appt. [they have medicaid, so no excuse]. It has to be a therapist specializing in attachment, because one on one does not work due to their trust issues, it has to be the whole family.

So, what happened was, I was becoming increasingly more and more anxiety filled due to this daily, very emotional stress. One day I sat here sure I was going to have a heart attack, and my GP sent me for a battery of heart tests and all seemd to be well there. [when we did have ins.] I also realized I was having increasingly more and more irrational fears - afraid of Drs, cops, and on and on, until I couldn't go to the mailbox. But on the kids next therapy appt., I went in first and told him about the horrible anxiety issues I had been having, and off the bat he asked "Have you had any traumas in life?" I was like, sure, tons. As I said in my intro, mostly years of physical, sexual, and phsychological abuse, and the latest was losing custody of my 14 yr old after his father watching me like the CIA for 10 years, and taking me to court 2 previous times and losing, because I was an exemplary mother and had plenty to prove it. His motivation was all revenge towards me for leaving. Finally he got me when I finally could no longer afford a high priced attorney, and I crumbled. I cannot speak of my son to this day without breaking down, he was my world. Here come the tears now again.

Anyway, we had a couple more sessions [he wanted to focus on me so I would be better equipped to help the kids] and even a EMDR session, and even more came out that I had totally forgotten. I had lived a lifetime of terror. As I thought back, symptoms had been there for years, trouble on jobs, trouble with realtionships, even friends. A few major depressions along the way, never "mild". So that PTSD resulted 'from a single therapy session' is hardly the truth. Yes, Anthony, the depression has always been part of it all, it does go hand in hand. My husband knew of these things long before we married.

So now it was all out, but guess what? My husband lost his job and we lost insurance. So now all the snakes were out and I didn't know how to deal with them. So that's when I began to go really haywire. But the kids could have continued going to therapy, but my husband pulled them out. The thing that got me upset the other night was the oldest boy was beating me about the head and hit me in the back after not doing as told and continously cussing me and smarting off. He got no punishment, even though I could have called the cpos on him myself. Yes, I was going to pop his butt, but didn't deserve a physical assault. When I was still shaking and crying when my husband got home, saying I could take no more, it had ALL been on me so many years and I knew I would never get better with all this going on. I begged him to get the kids into treatment, but he just put his head in his head, whined about how awful his kids were, and left the room, as per usual, feeling sorry for no one but himself. It is the same with any issue. Communication is so poor I know nothing about our finances, his feelings about ANYTHING, I don't even know when he gets paid.

So I was mad at him walking out once again and refusing to discuss any options or issues, and and Sunday morning he woke me from sleep blasting that 'he was done with me because I am crazy'. I freaked. Any last bit of trust or security I had was gone in an instant. My Dr has demanded I not work so right now I haven't a clue of my future, but I assure you I am neither insane nor stupid, and I WILL get better, and beat this thing as best as I can.

I don't know if I will be back here anymore, but he had best get his own username if he does. I KNOW what's true, I am sick, yes, but I WILL SURVIVE.