This is the awful and funny all at the same time. It is 3:00 am...insomnia and there is sooo much going in in my life at this time my herpervigilance and really afraid feelings to be alone in a house have resurfaced....iT ACTUALLY KIND OF REALLS SUCKS.

So I am lying on the couch thinking about how pissed off I am because I have had to rewind the movie at least 1000 times because I keep zoming out and forgetting to watch because I am too worried about my health, future and praying that something will get better soon.

Anyway...I glanced out the window and I thought I saw a ****ing person in the large window. So as I get up to walk I pushed 911 an the phone...it rang once and then I hung up real quick and I guess they called right back and I didn't talk to anyone but DDDDUUUUHHHHH....that looks like someone could be in trouble. When they called back..the phone upstairs is off and the one with the ringer on is downstairs.....I didn't answer. I had looked outside and saw no foot prints in the snow and had my hot pepper spray in my hand.

About 10 minutes later the firetruck...and 5 police...at my door....well by now I just about peed my pants, my body was vibrating so hard, I thought I was going to puke and I could almost not form my words to tell her what actually just happened......and I told her I had PTSD and...now OK...it looked bad...I look really awful and sick right now and no sleep..sitting in the dark. So then she wants to check the house...I had to go with her and turn on all the lights...she wanted to see my son...took my name and phone number.

I feel like an idiot!

I am still shaking like a leaf but at least I don't think there is anyone outside anymore! Or in the house for that matter because then I thought I heard something downstairs.

BREATHE, BREATHE......I am torn between laughing at how stupid I feel or cry because I hate this disorder and I don't like this person.....I liked the old me way better. This shaking really bothers me because it makes me feel so out of control and it is visible....I am so used to having to be strong but I used to feel that way...I don't know how to do that anymore than I already have. Maybe this is as good as it will get due to my PTSD and other health problems. The whole situation is so confusing.