Would always lie next to a man, very promiscuous, sleeping with all my bosses, sleeping with my teachers at school, sleeping with anyone who could comfort me, even for a few seconds. I would have panic attacks while lying next to them, all of them. I was used a lot.

At 23 I married. He slept with someone while I was visiting my dieing father. My mother would call me constantly and tell my how she wanted to put poison in his OJ, that would end his suffering. She'd lock him in the apartment, hide all the knives and go play bingo. Dad was a terrified shell, couldn't talk, a skeleton. She treated him like he was normal. On that visit, she picked him up out of bed and tried to force him to go out for a walk. His bony fingers grasped at the door frame. It was terrible.

At 23, my husband had an affair while I was in LV, watching my father die slowly and my mother, in denial, of course. I got pregnant when I returned. 11 weeks into it, my husband, who had stopped coming home at night, told me about the affair. I called mommmy, distraught. The good catholic woman she was said, "you get rid of that ****ing baby, who do you think you are?'

I punched my abdomen until it was black and blue, then went and got an abortion.

I was raped in college by a black man and his girlfriend. I sort of just gave up while it was happening. Called mom, distraught, "Well, just stay in school and we'll talk to you next week!" all cheery like.

I almost finished a degree in math, then went off and quit because I thought someone loved me. He didn't and now I was far from school. Did a lot of meth, drinking, pool halls, sleeping around.

Nightmares starting, flashbacks of being backed into the corner and punched hard, my head going from side to side. It's hard to drive now, too much stimulation.

I have men in my life, no jobs of course. I rage until they leave and blame the failure of the relationship on my craziness. I believed them. Over and over it keeps happening.

I know one of my triggers now, unemployed men. Men in generall really. Bullying chauvinist bosses who disrespect me. The anxiety is tremendous.

Diagnosed with PTSD, chronic depression and Fibro 13 years ago. Paralysis and huge pain in my body for years. No where to turn. My brother doesn't even believe I have pain. Says I'm making it up. Blamed me for committing my dad to a mental hospital. Says I blame my messed up life on my family. Just want to blame someone other than myself.
I believed him.

Complete nervous breakdown in Colorado at 29, harassed and stalked at work, owner said that 'some women like that kind of attention." I didn't pursue anything. Just a fetal position and shaking like a leaf. Even gave two weeks notice. Don't remember driving back to Seattle. I think I was dissociated the whole entire time.

Fighting SSD, fighting private insurers, fighting myself to get it together. Trying to be a biologist. School was the only place I was safe, it seemed.
graduated Magna Cum Laude. Two biologist jobs, bosses humiliated me and bullied me. Consulting is not where I should be.

Two suicide attempts. First one, no one even picked me up from the hospital, walked home in hospital papers. the slits' in my wrists bandaged.

in the hospital twice for passing out due to dehydration, again, sent home in a cab in papers.

Last attempt, pills too long in me, activated charcoal. 'Friends and lovers" attacked me the very next morning..........they are gone. I'm alone again, isolated. My T is the only one I trust. I screamed in the ambulance in handcuff for grabbing one of the cops balls, I screame over and over "it's not my fault!" That attempt almost worked.

Therapy for two years now. Trying to work, trying to stabilze. Still haven't done EMDR yet, too much happening. But I'm alone now, waiting for SSD again. I hate the thought of going up in front of the judge. It traumatized me the first time. I had to beg. So afraid of being homeless.

I believe in God, I love God, I'm certain there's a God...........I wonder why he hates me.........


I got a tatto yesterday of a cross on my lower thumb on the arm that has the long scar. I'm hoping I can look at it and it will help me to stay present. Anything to stay present and get on with things.

I just want to get on with things..........But I feel the damage in my brain. I feel it when I'm triggered. It hurts so bad. I hate the rages, but can't seem to stop them. The men I've been with have sort of deserved it....using me, I've pampered them and they just use me and blame me. So tired of getting blamed.

Anyway, I'm wondering if I go through these things in EMDR if I'll feel the feelings and be able to move past this.

Please God......I so want a good life, a good man, good experiences. It's been 43 years, not one good memory, only disaster.

The devil has been playing with me..........but the light is stronger.