Last night, my husband and I were watching an episode of The Sopranos (We've been doing a DVD marathon -- what a show!). The lead character, Tony, was in his therapist's office over a recurrence of depression. His therapist stated, "Depression is rage turned inward."

My husband paused the DVD, turned to me, and asked, "Do you agree with that?"

Ohhh boy. There's no simple response to that...

Long story short: we conversed for an hour or so -- quietly, searching together for meaning and understanding. I've told him in detail about how I used to physically hurt myself, and about the insane rage that used to tear through me.

He's still here! He took my face in my hands and softly said, "You know that I only want to understand, don't you?" He told me that he's spoken in confidence with a few people about what we're going through...and before we went back to watching the program, he admitted, "I feel so...helpless to do anything for you." This time it was me who took his face in my hands and I said -- crying --> feeling!! YESSS! -- "You love me and accept me. That means everything."

After he went to bed, I ransacked the Internet and our CD collection for songs of love and gratitude, and made two CDs for him that I snuck into his coat pocket before he left for work today.

I still feel teary, and I'm listening to those songs as I write now. I am so grateful to be feeling! And for my sweet man...all I can do is shake my head and be gob-smacked at the miracles of love, mercy, and kindness...