Feeling a little better today. Slept from 5pm to 6 this morning.

Trimming the plants, I thought of God. It was so nice to have a work day where I wasn't surrounded by complaining and negativity.

I had to tell them I could only work a max of 18 hours a week, since the SSD hearing is coming up. Seems I can only make a max of $640 a month for awhile. I'll still be going down in savings, but if I get the SSD, I'll make it.

I really want to pursue my 'real' career as a biologist. But I'm worried about the fatigue. I guess at some point I can try again, if it doesn't work, I can go back to the SSD.

I want to buy a little piece of private property in the woods somewhere and place a yurt on it, maybe two. I have some savings, with the back pay on the SSD, might be possible.

Then I want to write, write, write........mostly about the evidence of God in nature. Anne Dillard is one of my idols.

I'm thinking I can do this someday. I'm feeling a little better...........but tired of being poor all the time. After two degrees and such an impressive resume, I'm still poor. Can't even afford to turn the heat on now, don't want my savings to go down. I wrap up in a heating pad to stay warm.

I wanted a man so we could pursue these dreams together. Makes it a little easier and more fun with two. I've pretty much given up on men. Never met a good one. They all seem like children to me..........they just want a Mommy. I'm trying to Mommy myself! Don't want to be a Mommy to a man. But if I am, at least they can work! I always get the ones who stop working midstream............I hate that. I'm sick of them. All or nothing thinking?

If I ever do try again, I'm making sure they have money. I've always thought this was so despicable and worked not to be like that..........but, crap, why not! I'm not sure what else they are really good for? I never get much cuddling, no understanding for my feelings, I just work and work for them. So now, they have to have money........but also the same values for nature and 'low impact' as I do.
I had a date with a man on the lake a couple of years ago. He was building yet another house. He took me and showed me his $90,000 foundation. I just wanted to puke. I look across the lake at his place now, and he's just mowed down all the trees in front of his house all the way down to the shore............I hate that. So selfish. I can't stand the decadence I see all around me on the lake, million and a half dollar homes, etc. What's the point?
I guess I'm a little negative on this stuff. I'm not a member of the ELF, promise. There's nothing wrong with people wanting a nice home. They've worked hard.
I've worked hard too.........seem to be getting nowhere right now. Always staring over after being harassed and bullied at work.

Anyway, rambling in my diary today.:dontknow: