Something my friend Cynthia and I used to do when we were traveling together (both victims of abuse), is we'd schedule a 'meeting' every week (that way it wasn't happening constantly and we wouldn't annoy each other). There, we would talk about what things we were taking personally, if the other person really mean't it as a put down (etc.), talk about how the other's actions had somehow scared us or hurt us, etc. etc. We cleaned everything up.

Of course, sometimes you can't wait to the meeting, because you are carrying it around and then it causes sleep problems, etc. But, present it like; "So Honey, I just need to check in with you on this." or "When is a good time for us to chat about something I seem to be interpreting a certain way."

This lets the other person not get defensive right off the bat, or feel like you are just demanding too much assurance about piddly things.

I think the doubts are definately our defense mechanism, sometimes in overdrive. But don't ignore them......but do take a little time to ground yourself and try to get a better perspective on the situation, check your gut. If your defenses are running like crazy, your gut takes a second seat.

Might help?