When I was 26 or so, it seemed like my hips dropped, or something.

I'd always looked like a boy, anorexic. Straight and narrow, no boobs. Then my hips did something......I freaked out, I completely freaked out.........

Started having horrible nightmares of his claws around my hips, bony and barely with any skin on them. My hips bones would hurt, ache.

Had nightmares of him 'floating' in the corner of my bathroom.

Between the depression and the lack of sleep, I was losing it altogether.

F*ck, he did something to me! Wasn't enough just to beat me and hate me and never talk to me after age 10, he frigging did something to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!

Then I'd look in the mirror at my eyes, all I could see was my mom in me. I shaved my head.

I was completely out of my body for years. My toes all turned into fungus, complete yeast overgrowth in my body, constant illnesses, depression like you can't believe. All the while, I had to work........people would say, "you are so cute." I f****cking hated that! I hated that cause I looked like my mom.

I was melting down constantly, men wouldn't leave me alone. Couldn't walk out my door without being 'hit' on. I was terrified constantly. Just wanted to be invisable. I was so unstable.....no sleep for years.

Then, the paralysis.....woke up, and my entire body had seized up. Had to go to work.
All this, and men move in with me and don't work and wonder why I'm constantly raging? Picking up knives?

Mother F did something to me. The beatings I can take, my mother's sick communications ("oh, Terri(said really sickly), what do you want?"). She told all my brothers and sisters all I wanted was money and that I was a loser and to stay away from me. She lied to them. I stopped at an older sister's once and she said, "my God, you are nothing like mom said you were, you are a decent person."

Why me? God, why me? And the still all hate me? I'm so confused. The confusion is the worst. My head is twisted into knots.........

I hate them. I absoltely hate them.