I haven't been around in a while...almost a year actually. Before I was working on a private diary but I have decided against that. Tlight responded to this old post the other day and brought it to the top of the list...somehow writing here just felt like the right thing.

Anyway, I am not sure what made me come back. Life is going pretty good these days. I have reconnected with my son (to some extent and I believe the rest will come with time) and I have someone wonderful in my life. I am happier then I have ever been in my life.

So why am I here...because I still feel like a wreck inside even though I have made a lot of progress. I still feel like I am falling apart or that if the wind changes direction I will be blown away in a quick minute. Because even though I am happy I am also waiting for the other shoe to fall...because I keep waiting for the day when Brent wakes up and tells me it is a mistake...or the day when my son tells me he really hates me.

I love Brent dearly. But for the life of me I can't figure out what he even likes about me, let alone loves. He tells me he loves me and all I can think is "what the hell...I am F*****g repulsive. Love me...how can you even want to look at me.

And my son...my beautiful boy. I hardly ever hear from him. Not that I blame him, after all I am almost a complete stranger to him. We have been in contact for almost a year and nothing has changed. He is uncomfortable and feels awkward...no idea how he feels beyond that as he doesn't say. I try not to imagine what he must think...it could be anything as we have not seen each other in 12 years.

Don't much like myself and it shows. I am fat...about 80 lbs overweight. And I dress in what ever happens to be laying around. Good thing I have a job that requires a uniform cause I would have no idea how to choose clothes. It is extremely difficult for me to do anything nice for myself...I feel horrible guilt when I do. And it is not even like I have people I have to take care of anymore. Hell I beat myself up for getting my own computer...had been wanting one for a while but something always came up. Found a killer deal but was not going to do it cause Easter was coming up and it was a choice between Easter baskets for my niece and nephew plus my Goddess kids or the computer. Never mind the fact that they all have parents who will get them Easter baskets...And I felt guilty...like I was choosing me over them and I was a bad Auntie or something. I own one pair of jeans, didn't bother to cut my hair for years (I hated my long hair cause it was heavy and gave me headaches but it was another thing to hide behind...just like my weight) and I rarely bother with makeup. Mostly I am just a blob.

I do get out of the house more and I have friends...but it is still like pulling teeth and if I can I will make an excuse to get out of it. Even if it is something I want to do.

My job consists of doing next to nothing and I am still exhaused at the end of the day. I would like to do something different...a little more challenging but I just don't see how I would ever hang on...maybe someday.

It makes me sad because I can see this whole life...I can see this person I want to be...and yet I have no idea how to even come close.

When I think about me...about who I am, all I see is this rotton, festering something...all covered in maggots. Yeah, I think maybe I have a ways to go.