I'm a sexual misfit.

I have a profile on several dating sites and they aren't anything I would want anyone's grandmother to see. I met a few who replied to me, gave my phone number to a few others, chatted online with several dozen and have said "Thanks, but no thanks" to most of the rest. I always send a reply, favorable or not.

It's my rules that determine what will or will not be. I think I am my own worst enemy. I don't want a boyfriend. I am not looking for a husband. I can feed myself and have my own collection of wine and spirits if I ever care to indulge. That means I am not looking to be wined and dined. All I want is sex without the frills. "Wham, bam, thankya kindly - there's the door - I'll call ya when I need ya." I have one man that meets my criteria but am looking for something else. He's not on the same page with me and his lack of understanding doesn't do much for me.

I want men to be on the same page. It's really quite simple - just looking for old fashioned sex. Specifically, that means, "no oral." That's a direct quote in all my profiles. In a couple, it is listed as a major turn off. Still, men who are looking for oral seem to think they are the exception to the rule. They want to know if I like it performed on me. I don't know how I can possibly be any more specific than "no oral."

And then there's the "rockets red glare" thing. I'm not interested in seeing fireworks and sounding like I'm pinned under a car. I want a man that doesn't think a thing about getting me "off." That's not the objective. As long as the man gets his, I'm good.

My mind wants to jump in the sack, my body wants to follow, but my fear won't allow it. The "no oral" is only part of the equation. My other rule is "bring a condom." I don't trust anyone, so I always have an assortment in my purse. That tends to turn men off and they say so. And to that, I say "Good-bye" In this one fractional part of my life, it's my way or the highway.

I have one. He's OK, but he's not perfect. I'm looking for a perfect fit.