The last time I saw my girls was December 2000. I took the bus to Lutheran Social Services and waited in the lobby for them to show up. Their foster mother had tried to make them look pretty...I think trying to give me that one last memory. But she had failed...their hair was done in these terrible pony tails (she was never good at doing their hair) and they had on some rather ugly dresses.

We all went in the back to this little room...not even one of the rooms used for visits with toys and such. Just this little office where no one could see us or hear us crying.

As soon as I saw them I had burst into tears so they new something was wrong. The two babies started crying and wouldn't stop. They were too little to understand what was really happening but they knew that Mommy was sad and that was enough.

Eris though was another matter entirely. She was five and a half and she got it when I told her that she and her sister's did not get to come home and that it would be a really long time before we saw each other again. And I remember that her big beautiful blue eyes filled with tears and her little face just crumbled. More than ever I hated myself at that moment.

I loved all of my kids but Eris and I were especially bonded. I had miscarried her twin and had spent months on bedrest with her. I was a single mother for the first two and a half years of her life (and then with a pycho after that). More than any of my kids Eris was mine. I held her on my lap and rocked her. Told her that I loved her and that it wasn't her fault in anyway. I wanted them home...but I wanted them safe even more then that. And I couldn't keep them that way.

I don't know how long we were there. The visit seemed too long and too short at the same time. Pictures were taken and copies were given to both me and the kids. I threw mine out. Could not stand to look at them.

I couldn't help but think that if I had only known how it would all turn out I would have given them up in the beginning...it would have saved them a lot of heartache. I also felt guilty because about a year before the offer had been put on the table that if I gave up the two babies I could take Eris home free and clear. I refused to choose between my kid...but later I would think that maybe I f****d up because Hailey and Lecie would have probably been adopted by their foster parents at the time and since we had become friendly and they loved Eris they would have allowed contact.

Everyday I wonder who they are now. Eris will be 14 on June 7th, Hailey will turn 12 on April 28th and Lecie will be 11 the day after. I would sell my sould to be able to look into their faces one more time....