Sometimes I feel like I will never heal, not so much because of the trauma itself but because everyday I wake up without my children and it is like ripping a scab off of a barely healed wound and then pouring salt on it.

I do not tuck them in, I cannot tell them that I love them, I cannot take care of them when they are sick....During the holidays I buy gifts for my niece, nephew, and Goddess Children but I cannot buy for my own. On their Birthdays I bake a little cake and make wishes for them....I wish for you to be happy, healthy and whole, I wish for you to love and be loved...and then I put cards away in a box so that maybe someday they will see them and know they were never forgotton.

People have told me that the pain will lessen in time...I would like to know when that is going to happen. I feel empty without them, like part of me is missing (and I suppose it is). Because everyday I wake up to the realization that I am not their mother anymore.