So I debated on writing this for a while for a number of reasons but mostly because it takes an amazing amount of energy explain what happen.

So the other day I went to a mental examination for social security and it went really normal until I with my huge mouth asked the doctor at the end one simple question:



“So what do you think is wrong with me…?”


She then explained what I had already heard and some rather disturbing new information.

She thinks I have a mood disorder, some PTSD, GAD and …..


The “and” is what ruined my week and pretty much everything …

She said she thought I was showing the sign of a psychotic person because I questioned reality at times.

Now I can understand how that makes sense…but the thing is ….I know this is REAL…every shitty minute of it. I just feel so detached some days …

Only when I am VERY stressed or certain triggers happen have I noticed myself going in that direction of thought.

She said that there was a good chance I might end up like my mother…

For those of you who do not know…my mother is a paranoid skizo. and I have been all of my life afraid of being like her…ending up empty and damn near useless to the world because of a disorder you can do little to nothing about.

Yeah, ….so that is where I am at. I feel horrid about it. I now cannot stop thinking about it….

The doctor said just to have people watch me and always look for the signs…
Which I already so…..I already live in fear every day…and dream about it and think about it.


I have never had a doctor tell me this...I took the MMPI….I took all those test…

What if I am like my mother?....


Or is this just PTSD….


I am so confused…and hurt…and worried…I feel like someone just told me I have cancer and I am going to die….