And yesterday was so beautiful, I was holding out hope for the kids and their Easter Egg Hunts...

I try to give myself credit...try to look back at the past with a kind eye. I always think to myself that I would not judge others harshly if they made similar mistakes why am I so hard on myself.

It is just interesting how differently I have grieved for my son...it never felt so all consuming as the whole thing with the girls...I used to wonder about it cause it wasn't like I loved him less or anything.

But when I found him last year I was completely overwhelmed... at first my heart was filled with complete joy. But then came days when I felt so hurt, so completely overcome with pain that I could barely get out of bed...At first I was somewhat confused, because I was so happy. Then I realized it was all the years of not grieving, all the years it was "ok" because he was with his dad and basically safe etc...etc...

The girls on the other hand...I grieve for them almost everyday. A day might go by where I can put them out of my mind but if I think about them, even for a minute the grief is always fresh and raw. It is just something I have learned to live with.