Bravo Nicolette!

Excellent post, and I'm compelled to respond with a my story.

Prior to PTSD hitting me over the head, I was a Carer, not of someone with PTSD, but a number of relatives fell ill at the same time in a relatively short period 2 -3 years. I was caring for severe Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, an ice addict & another very sick with cancer.

But even prior to this obvious 'caring' role, I think I was a "Carer personality". I use to 'attract' very needy people. If someone had a problem they would come to me. I use to jokingly get emails from friends, colleagues with Dear Therapist...I would have clients, hairdressers, strangers, friends, shop clerks bursting into tears & telling me their stories.

A friend of mine who was doing her masters in psychology asked me once 'why do you enable people's dependancy?'. I was really quite offended and a bit confused by what she meant.

Before my breakdown, I was diagnosed with a non life threatening medical condition, which affects my ability to have children. And I couldn't cope with being the 'sick' one. This is when things really started to unravel with me psychologically, I became depressed, couldn't acknowledge the depression and that it turned caused me to spiral further and further down. Then I started to panic - who on earth was I becoming? Then my family & friends started to panic - who is this person, this is not like her etc.

I really felt like a failure, for having ill health. I didn't realise how much being a 'carer' was wrapped up in my identity. To the point where I though if I can't be a carer is my life worth living? If I'm not a carer then who the hell am I?

About a year into therapy with my second therapist, we talked about this. And she said it's not uncommon for this to occur. That people can be the Carer because 'whilst you were so busy worrying about others problems it meant you didn't have to look at your own'. Those words rang so true for me. I was distracted by others so I could ignore the unease within me.

Finally, I don't believe that bad behaviour should be excused because someone has PTSD/Bipolar/Cancer, that's a cop out. It may however explain why someone is behaving badly, it may help to understand it's not personal. But the boundary should still be maintained regardless of the why. Some leeway when someone is sick i.e. they are a bit grumpy or snappish but if it's prolonged or becoming abusive well that's simply not okay and it needs to be addressed.